The other night we're over the neighbors for dinner and playing the "Do you know how smart my 7yr old is?" game. I don't love that game. "Do you guys know what a homophone is?" the neighbor asks.

I honestly try to remember. She didn't say homonym, which I know. She said homophone. I take a guess that it's a word that has multiple meanings depending on the pronunciation (like read as in REED, versus read as in RED). "Nope," says the 7yr old, "It's two words that are spelled different, but sound the same. Like meet and meat."

"Then what's a homonym?" I ask.

He thinks about this and says, "They're the same thing."

I shake my head at that. That can't be right. So as casually as possible I pull out the cell phone, open up a web browser and go googling for it.

Sure enough, kid's right. Homophone and homonym mean the same thing. When the hell did THAT happen?

By the way, the word I was thinking of was "heteronym."

Update: You know, it's actually more complicated than this. Maven's Word of the Day tells me that homonym is the superclass to which both homophone and homograph belong. Specifically, a homonym is supposed to be spelled and pronounced the same (such as "grizzly bear" and "bear witness"). A homophone is what the neighbor said - sound the same, spelled differently. Interestingly a homograph is the thing I was thinking of, spelled the same but pronounced differently, like "I object to that large object."

Apparently a heteronym is a particular type of homonym where the word has to have an entirely different meaning. So I'm guessing that this means "I will read the book" and "I have read the book" would be a homograph but not a heteronym. "Look for minute details for the next minute" would be a heteronym. I think.

Read more...

Today, at the mall:

Katherine: "This is like a library."

Daddy: "That's an interesting idea. How do you figure the mall is like a library?"

Katherine: "Well, look. Nobody's talking."

Daddy: "This is true."

Blow up Buddha statues, get killed.

...Separately, an assailant gunned down an Afghan lawmaker who, under the former Taliban regime, oversaw the destruction of two Buddha statues carved into a cliff.

Maulavi Mohammed Islam Mohammadi, who was the Taliban's governor of Bamiyan province when the fifth-century Buddha statues were blown up with dynamite and artillery in March 2001, was killed on his way to Friday prayers in Kabul, said Zulmai Khan, Kabul's deputy police chief.

You may want to consider having another cup of coffee. German researchers said caffeine not only blocks the chemical known to damage hair follicles, but it can also stimulate growth.
But, don't get too excited just yet. The study also found that you'd need about 60 cups of java a day to start seeing the effects.
Instead, the researchers are hoping to create a caffeine solution that can be applied to the scalp.

So apparently the solution is to actually take a shower in coffee?

I'd like to see the mouse that got shot up with the equivalent of 60 cups of coffee a day. Run that frickin maze in 0.3 seconds I'll bet.

I thought we were doing well, but I see on Yahoo news that  unemployment claims are up by the largest amount in 16months.

Sounds like as good a time as any to plug my book, Top Tips to Survive The Layoff.

:)  Hey, it's my site, I can do what I want. :-P

Seriously, though, I've actually heard a number of sources lately speaking of the whole "what to do with yourself when you're out of work" problem.  A friend of mine recently lost his job again, making a total of something like 5 positions in 4 years.  (Not totally his fault, he's in sales engineering and when you're the junior guy, you're always the first to go.  Catch 22.)

This week a report went around the net that it was now scientifically proven, the best way to sanitize your kitchen sponge is to microwave it.  This isn't exactly a new idea, I first heard about it a good couple years ago.  But I suppose now it has scientific validity.  Now it's a simple fact - microwave your sponge for 2 minutes every now and then to kill the germs.  Good idea.

I wanted to try this, but...should the sponge be wet, or dry?  I remember trying it a few years ago with a wet sponge and I could swear the thing was melting, so I gave up.  I did not try it this time because I was missing that key piece of data.

Apparently I wasn't the only one.  Local news organizations around University of Florida (who released the report) have been deluged with email from people who microwaved a dry sponge, causing it to catch fire and melt in the microwave.  "You can't use the sponge again anyway," wrote one, "And your house smells like burning rubber."

So the university released the following advisory:

"To guard against the risk of fire, people who wish to sterilize their sponges at home must ensure the sponge is completely wet. Two minutes of microwaving is sufficient for most sterilization. Sponges should also have no metallic content. Last, people should be careful when removing the sponge from the microwave as it will be hot."

I really wish they'd left off the "will be hot" part, just to see if the news organizations got email saying "Dang, they didn't tell me it would be hot!"

"Daddy, are there still dinosaurs today?"

"No sweetie, they're all gone."

"Where did they all go?"

"That's a very good question. Nobody really knows. Just one day they weren't here anymore."

"Maybe they went up to Heaven."

"Hmmm, that could be. Very interesting idea. They might have all gone up to Heaven, I'd never really thought about it."

"Then I'm never going in there! I'd be too scared with all those dinosaurs running around, they would eat me."

"Oh, no, I don't think they the dinosaurs run around. I think they put a big fence around them and then you can go see them, like at the zoo"

"But Daddy," says Katherine, "What if they *didnt*?"

As always, the definition of "stars" nose dives each season. I like to look at lists like this and figure out who my wife will recognize. She'll recognize the 90210 guy, and Leeza Gibbons. Maybe Billy Ray Cyrus, if he's who I'm thinking of (Achy Breaky Heart?) and they play that song a lot. That's about it. Three out of ten.

TMZ.com is reporting that they know the cast of Dancing with the Stars Season 4.  It's not official yet, but last time I posted a rumored cast it was pretty much dead on.  What I think is funny is that pattern that the producers continue to work off of.

Country singer?  Sara Evans becomes Billy Ray Cyrus.  Check.

Former teenage television heartthrob?  Mario Lopez becomes 90210's Ian Ziering.  Check.

Athlete?  Emmit Smith is replaced by Laia Ali (Muhammad Ali's daughter).  Check.

Boyband?  Joey McIntyre becomes...Joey Fatone.  (Ok, Joey Lawrence wasn't in a boyband, but Drew Lachey and Joey McIntyre both were).

Now all they need is a comedy act to be thrown out in the first episode, an underdog to cheer (ala Jerry Springer), some sort of pop/rock singer (Master P / Willa Ford) and a couple of random actresses (Vivica Fox, Monique Coleman, Tia Carrere, Tatum O'Neal....)

Update! Apparently Heather Mills will be on the show as well. Heather Mills is the ex-wife of Paul McCartney, who also happens to have one leg. Should be interesting to see how she comes across, since the divorce has made her look pretty bad.

Man, I just can't do it.  There's no way I can transcribe an entire ensemble musical. :(  It'll take me forever, I'll still get parts of it wrong, and it'll still be impossible to read because of all the group numbers. 

How was it?  Honestly, I really liked it. The first big number (and Dr. Kelso's only real contribution) was pretty painful, but it got steadily better. The last numbers in particular were very good indeed. The storyline is even good - woman comes in with a mysterious illness that makes her hear music when people talk to her.  Apparently a true story, as many Scrubs episodes often are. 

Man, the lyrics to some of the songs are really pretty forced.  There's a whole song about poo, for heaven's sake.  Although it does end up sounding very Monty Python.  I'm sure people will love it, of course. Didn't do much for me. The Dr. Cox Rant is probably the best song, in my book. Dr. Cox can't sing worth beans, but he delivered a musical rant very well. The Turk and Carla Tango is very nice as well.  "Guy Love" is disqualified because it's been available on iTunes for a few weeks now as a trailer. The finale ends up being a pretty slow, serious number which is very good, including a solo from the patient with the problem.

(P.S. - I think it's funny that when I pause the show, Tivo shows me what is apparently an ad for Puerto Rico. Given the Turk and Carla number, that is. I wonder if it was context sensitive or just a coincidence?)

Anyway, I'll see if I can transcribe some of the better lines.

Oh, well how about this for an explanation:  she's cuckoo pants.

Hey Ms. Miller, we just need a stool sample.
  Why do you need a stool sample, if you think I'm just a nut?
Cuz the answer's not in your head my dear, it's in your butt.

You see, everything comes down to poo.

All across the nation, we trust in defecation.

Just be a man and eat some bran, and drop the kids off at the pool.

I was shot!
  Check the poo.

Homeless guy threw poo in my eye!
  Check the poo.
Mine or his?
  First him, then you.

Dr. Cox, I'm not crazy.
  Am I still singing?
Singing like a bird.

Still, you're not nearly as bad as her.  Do you know how much you annoy me?  The answer is, alot.  Should I list the reasons why?  Well I don't see why not.  It's your hair your nose your chinless face you always need a hug, not to mention all the manly appletini's that you chug.  That you think I am your mentor just continues to perplex, and oh my god stop telling me when you have nerdy sex!
  By the way last time Kim was in town, we got some appletini's and poured them on her good parts.
See newbie that's the thing you do that drives me up a tree, cuz no matter how I rant at you you never let me be. So I'm stuck with all your daydreaming, your wish to be my son.  It makes me suicidal and I'm not the only one.  No I'm not the only one... 

   It all started with a penny in the door.  There was a hatred I had never felt before.  So now I'll make him pay, each and every day.  Until that moussed hair little nuance is no more.

So now that is why I call you names like Carol Jane and Sue.  Like Moesha Kim and Lilly and Suzanne and Betty Lou.  Regardless of the names I pick my feelings are quite clear, your a pain in every day of every month of every year. 
      Dr. Cox you gotta help me cuz I really am distressed, can't you find another option won't you run another test?
If you want some kind of favor really any kind of favor please just get me peace and quiet from this godforsaken pest.
        I think what my bumper buddy is trying to say...
      Shut your cakehole Marybeth, or I swear to god I'll shut it soon!
Congratulations, we'll schedule your test this afternoon.

 Sometimes you're better off not knowing, but this isn't one of those times.  Your world's become a musical, and your doctors speak in rhymes.

Guy Love, that's all there is.  Guy Love, he's mine I'm his.  There's nothing gay about it in our eyes.

We're closer than the average man and wife.
  That's why our matching bracelets say Turk and J.D.
You know I'll stick by you for the rest of my life.
  You're the only man who's ever been inside of me!
Whoa, whoa, I just took out his appendix.

It's like I married my best friend.
  But in a totally manly way!

JD, I want to live by myself.
  Ok, no problem.  Turk, with you relay this?
    That means you guys are no longer talking.

We're as close as the vena cava and the aorta. We're best friends just like amoxicillin and clavulanic acid. The tibia the fibia the left and right ventricle, a hypodermic needle and a latex tourniquet. Diverticulitis and a barium enema!

Turk, I want to come back to work, it's who I am.
  Oh.  Well I always thought family was the most important thing to Puerto Ricans.

Don't make a big todo, I was simply testing you.
  Then why'd you tell JD our baby's blaxican?
Babe you know I know the truth.
  Well I'll need a little proof, so list all you know about me or no sex again.

Your name is Carla, you are Latina.  You're a nurse, your mother's dead and wait...I got it! Three sisters.
  Turk!
Two sisters?  Well I'm sure you have a brother who's a huge jerkoff.

Tell me what's my middle name?
  Ok I'm tired of this game.

What's going to happen?  What does the future hold?  So many things that I've put off, assuming I had time.

Plan for tomorrow, because we swear to you, you're going to be ok.

You're going to be ok, that's what's going to happen.

By the way, who's the best singer?  You know, in your head.  Don't let the fact that I went to theatre camp affect your decision.

Sometimes when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind.  Whether it's your roommate, or time spent with your child.  Or even the music you used to hear in your head.

More Scrubs Quotes... 

Asha over at ParentHacks reviews what appears to be the state of the art in baby monitors. For $200, it had better be! The built in music and night light are a nice touch, actually. We're always juggling battery operated thingamies that make light and noise, so something that does it by being plugged into the wall would be a benefit.

Of course, with three of em to monitor, we had to go for a different unit that had three transmitters and two receivers. But my brother in law just had his first, so maybe he can check this out.

Every judge (including Jewel) is mean this year, but mostly in a sort of "Oh come on, are you kidding me?" way. It's like they're bored with the whole thing.

They also do that thing that everybody hated last year, where they make a montage of all the bad singers all singing the same song. So, in other words, these people were told that they were horrible, and then told "Sing some more." Most of those people walked out of their audition screaming, cursing and crying...so why would they sing more just so they can be mocked again?

The first night reveals very few good singers at all. But perhaps the worst thing is that every bad singer gets a very lengthy segment. Why? From the minute they open their mouths it's obvious that they're not going anywhere. So why let them sing a complete song, and then keep them around chatting? I was fast forwarding quite a bit.

More American Idol stories...

Technorati: American Idol

Came home from work today, and what is Elizabeth playing with?

Another pair of iPod earbuds.

?!?! That's just spooky. I'm looking at the things, which look exactly like the new pair I just bought, trying to remember when I'd brought them upstairs. I take them downstairs to my car...nope, my new ones are still sitting there.

That makes *5* pairs of these things.

At least I can account for this last pair -- the kids really do have earbud headphones that came with some silly transistor radio they'd forgotten. But still, for a minute there I swear to god I though they were multiplying.

What's the name for that thing where you lose your ipod headphones (earbuds, actually), so you go out and buy a new pair (because you walk across town twice every day with them and you need something) for $20, but they're horrible, so you spend a week suffering with them (you can't return things that you stick in your ears, you ever try?) until finally you break down and buy another pair...

...and it's at this point that you think I'm gonna say "You find the original pair you thought you lost", right? Well, yeah. I did, right there in the garage.

BUT THEN I FOUND ANOTHER G$%^&*(D%^&N PAIR that I'd never seen before, sitting right in the junk drawer in the kitchen. That's like, irony squared or something. Alanis Morrisette's got me all confused about what that word's really supposed to mean.

So I now have:

• One ipod
• 2 sets of earbuds that were already in my possession
• 2 sets of earbuds that I've just purchased for $20/per.

If I get one more pair I'm thinking about implementing a day of the week sort of thing. I wonder if I can convince Kerry that now I need to buy more iPods?

Ok, ok, I realize that my search function on this blog software is horrendously bad. I apologize to everybody coming here and hitting the search for "Scrubs quotes". Instead I've made an Episode Guide where you can just get quick access to everything I have. I only really started keeping track in season 5, so I don't have any of the older stuff. But in general people come looking for the newest episodes anyway :). Now that Scrubs is in syndication, I hope to get some quotes down from every episode I can get my hands on. Probably not everything from every episode, but at least the highlights. Maybe I can set something up where people start adding their own or something.

Anyway, have fun.

Aha! Found it. Recently I mentioned Elizabeth's new catchphrase, innoo da tikkamix which I thought was from Wonderpets. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be "into the thick of it."

Turns out, it's Backyardigans. It's actually a song from the episode "Into the Jungle".. Thanks, Wikipedia!

Now I know future me is probably very strict, so no dating, no makeup, and no spending spring break with your friends on Mars.  Last thing I need to worry about is my daughter getting eaten by a giant space slug, yaknomsayin'?

Anyway, for your 16th birthday my gift to you is to show you how happy your mom was the day we brought you home.
  I can't do this, we have to take her back.
Happy birthday, sweet heart.  Talk later.

Keith, why do you keep letting people take pictures of your body?  Come on, this is exactly like that night I caught you in the bathroom at the bus station.

Hey Dr. Kelso.  Oh, if you're a dootyface, don't say anything.  Get used to that joke people, because I'm going to be doing it all the time.

OMG Barboo, you make me wanna LOL.  I just discovered text messaging.  I know I'm a little late to the game but that doesn't mean that you're any less of a GABPITAWMMW - number 2 - D.  Giant annoying bangsy pain in the ass who makes me want to die.

Enjoy doing my bidding while a team of burly old Russian women make me beautiful.

Fine, I don't want to go home anyway!
  He said in the sarcastic tone we've all come to known as "Coxian."

Ever since Jordan entered her third trimester she has become a needy, bloated behemoth with a temper as big as her treetrunk sized cankles.

Honey, post partum depression is really serious.
  True, but there are different levels.  Some women leave their babies in the woods, but some women just get the weepies.

Hi.  Since you're African American, I was wondering I could borrow several Marvin Gaye CDs?
  Sure, come on in kid.  Here ya go.
Thanks.  Mazeltov on the baby.

Now give me a hug...you know, what, can you change first?  Cuz I don't wanna get any booby juice on my new t-shirt.

(To me, the best thing about Elliot is all her extra cash.)

This couch reminds me of my grandpa.  He used to drive around in a car just like it.  You know, until he was killed in that seven car pileup.
  7 Car Pile-Up would be a good name for a rockband.
Yeah, you actually told me that on the day that he died.

Laverne, if I accidentally backed my car over Barbie for sticking me with the world's most annoying patient, what do you think your boy Jesus would do?
  Your wife is on the phone.
He is not a merciful god, is he?

This gourmet trailmix is fantastic, I'm tasting vanilla, cranberry...a hint of pine...
  That's potpourri, genius.
Is that hickory?

 You should see all the sweet new toys Elliot bought, it's awesome.  It's like that time in college when we got to split all of Chugski's stuff when he drank himself to death.
  I miss you, you crazy Polish bastard!
Pour some out for one's homeys.

Say hello to your lactation specialists.
  Try tickling her lip with the nipple to let her know it's time to eat.
    Then just use your breast to lower her bottom lip.
      I can't see the nipple.
Todd, get the hell out of here.

Look, Barbie, what you're missing here is that you're private practice now, and that means you're the enemy.  I know, as a doctor, disease is supposed to be the enemy but I'm giving hepatitis and his band of infectious buddies a pass and I'm coming after you today.  Because the bottom line is you'd rather clock out of here early than run the extra mile for your patients, and Barbie, that makes you a sellout.

Now if you ask me, Isabella is placing calls but no one is responding in the areola code.
  What?
Those two little turkey timers you got there are telling me that birdie's not done.  And this place is too public for me to arouse them freaky deaky style, so I'm gonna have to go an alternate route.  Your dead mama had one of the fattest asses I ever seen!
  WHAT?
Ding ding!  Turkey's done.

Why are you watching my baby, and where's my wife?

Hey Chuckles?  If you're a dootyface, just keep walking.  That's funnier every time!

Baby, let's go see the doctor.
  No.  I'm not gonna have people laugh at me because I can't care for my own child.  No doctors, not now, not ever.

Nice singlet.  Does it come in hetero?

See Keith found his old high school uniform so we've incorporated it into our loveplay.  I'm the lesbian coach and he's the captain of the wrestling team and he turns me.

Don't you just love the way his thighs rub against your ears?
  No, not particularly.

 More Scrubs Quotes...

"Daddy, you'll never guess what Juliana's gonna be for Shay's dressup party? Ariel Wedding. That's what I'm gonna be!"

"How'd you know that? Do you guys get together and talk about that?"

"Yes."

The question, of course, is, "At what age to little girls start gathering together to discuss what they're going to wear to the party?" The answer is, 4 and a half.

However, there is still a glimmer of hope:

"But it's ok Daddy, more than one person can be Ariel Wedding if they want. Two people are going as Snow White, too." Yeah, sure. Tell me that at your high school prom when somebody's wearing your dress, sweetie.

Read more...

When Katherine was just learning how to speak, she used to say that the Indian sitting on the Land-o-Lakes margarine was Jesus.

Well she's 4 1/2 now and quite articulate. Last night over dinner she showed me the margarine and said, "Daddy, that's an Indian on there."

"That's right," I told her, "And you know what? When you were little, you used to say that was Jesus."

Pause. "Yes Daddy, I know," she told me. "I said that because she wears her hair long like that, and that's how Jesus wears it."

So, there you go. If your child says something that you don't understand while they're still learning to talk, make a note of it and ask her a few years later when she can explain it better. "Remember when you said innoo da tikkamix? What did you mean by that?"

Actually "innoo da tikkamix" is an Elizabeth quote. This appears to be the battle cry of something called a Wonderpet, from what Katherine tells me. My best guess is they're saying "into the thick of it" or something like that, but I can't seem to google anything to confirm that. On the contrary, the catchphrases of the characters are clearly listed on wikipedia and they're not even close.

Either way, Elizabeth thinks that "innoo da tikkamix" is hysterical and will run around the house saying it. Anybody know what it really means?

I'm reminded of the old Steven Wright bit: "I kept a diary when I was a baby. Day one, still tired from the trip. Day two, everyone talks to me like I'm an idiot." and, more relevant, "Whenever I'm the room with a baby I like to write down every noise they make, so when they grow up I can say, What did you mean by that?"

Read more...

Oh god, I already hate it. Did Trump really use the sound effects of a baby on the telephone, just so he could sneak in his new son's name (Baron)? That's just sad.

Watching the whole show on Tivo now. Maybe I'll review it, if it's not as painful as that intro was.

Read more...

Stupid news story of the day is the video of Tigger attacking a 14yr old boy. I'd just like to point out that a 4yr old can distinguish "Daddy, that's not Tigger, that's someone dressed up like Tigger." I always wondered about that whenever I'd hear that nonsense about "irreparably damaged because my kid saw Mickey take his head off."

Anyway, watch the video. Looks pretty obvious to me that the kid, coming into the picture late, does something at the back of Tigger's costume. Maybe he just put his hand too close to Tigger's neck, maybe he actually started feeling around for a zipper because he thought it would be funny. Either way, Tigger wraps and bars the arm (nice!), and then whacks the kid.

So what's the dad do? Goes on the news. What's he expect to get out of it? Disney will pretty safely fire the guy in the suit, it's a big no-no to hit the guests (or to hit on them, which is a different lawsuit :)). I think they already offered the family a free day at the park. The father wants a face to face apology from the kid in the suit, which I'm pretty sure Disney won't allow because they're not supposed to break character like that.

What the father apparently doesn't care much about is how stupid he's making his son look on national television. "How hard did he hit you, son?" he asks for the cameras. "Pretty hard," says the son, "I could feel it through the soft gloves." I think he even said "I can still feel it" at one point.

So...your kid is on video being a punk, and then on the news being a big wimp. Nice dad.

I just can't help envisioning a real Tigger beatdown, and how the kid would explain that. "And then, and then...he kept bouncing up and down on me with that springy tail of his, boing! boing! boing! And the laughing....oh, the laughing....sometimes at night I can still hear the laughing. HoohooHOOOO! HoohooHOOOO! And there were Pooh and all his friends, just pointing and laughing....."

And by that I mean the grammar of my 2.5 yr old, Elizabeth. My Shakespeare friends are gonna kill me :).

Elizabeth feels that the word "windy" is similar to the word "cold". Thus, where you might say "I'm cold" on a particularly cold day, Elizabeth would say "I'm windy" on a windy day.

She also knows that when she says this, the nearest grown up will tend to say, "It is a little windy." However, it is often "Not too windy."

She does not, however, grasp the concept of past tense. "I'm windy" could mean right now, or it could mean yesterday. This was particluarly noticeable the week after trying to get pictures taken with Santa where she would tell me every morning, "Santa's not scaring me." In other words, "I was not scared of Santa."

Today, during our fabulous 60 degree day in early January, I took the kids to the park. When we came home and Kerry asked Elizabeth how it was, she replied, "I'm too a little windy!"

Normally I don't blog politics, but I think this story's got a punch line that's right up my alley. You may have heard the who big issue with Rep Keith Ellison (D-MN) taking his oath on a Quran instead of a Bible. Even better, it was a Quran once owned by Thomas Jefferson. This made big news because Rep. Virgil Goode (R-VA) made a big stink over it, saying that if you're gonna swear in on a book, it should be the Bible. Even though the Constitution clearly says "no religious test shall be required", in other words you can't make somebody swear on a religious text. (Technically the official swearing in is done with no book at all -- the issue is about what book they use for the traditional photo opportunity that happens after the fact).

Anyway, what's the punchline again? It's done, it's over, he swore in, the world didn't end. What I like about the story is Rep Mazie Hirono, one of two Buddhists to be sworn in during this election, opted not to have a book at all, saying "Whatever happened to the separation of Church and State?"

Love it.

Well, on a good note, Scrubs is back early!  We don't have to wait until end of January like some shows. 

Wow, did I hate this episode.  "Hey, here's an idea, we haven't already done a bunch of 'House' jokes on the show yet, so let's do an entire episode devoted to making Dr. Cox look like Dr. House."  Apparently they think we all didn't get enough of My New Suit.  Plus, we get depressing story lines about how Eliot (Elliot?  Elliott?  How am I supposed to spell her name?) is not bonding with her friends anymore, and Carla's got post-partum depression.  Woohoo, a real hoot.  Overall it's just plain mean, but also silly and obvious.  The whole thing is about medical mysteries, but are any of them not obvious?  Plus most of the jokes are visual and unfunny, such as the paintball stuff.  Shooting somebody in the face with a paintball is actually pretty painful and dangerous.

Oh well, on with what I can find for quotes.  And yes, I did google for "Tako-tsubo cardiomyopathy", which is actually the unnecessarily complex Japanese way to say "stress cardiomyopathy" so he sounds more House-like.

I can't believe it's all over.  God, so many memories.  So many, many memories.  Who wants to say something first?
  Eliot, your new office is right there.  Nothing's gonna change but your lab coat.

On the up side I could give her dramatic "Don't go" kisses whenever I felt like it.
  Oh that was hot, stud.  But I think it's just my leg that's supposed to be up.

And you don't want to be around me when I'm pregnant, all the women in my family go psycho...
   Yeah,
I WASN'T FINISHED!
   You know, I'm back, perfectly fine.  Hit the wall.

Hey, look who I brought to see her mama...
  Somebody else's child?
    We've got a code pink, people!  Somebody just stole a baby!

I don't know if you know this, but the icepacks you've been putting on your hooey run about forty two bucks a pop.

All right, who can tell me anything about Mr. Pierce?
  He uses oil heaters in his house in New Hampshire.
That answer was either very sarcastic or very stupid. Either way I'm whacking you with my clipboard.  Brace yourself.
  Wait!  He's hypoxic with a clear chest x-ray, which can be a sign of carbon monoxide poisoning.  I learned that watching 'House'.
    House is a *genius*.
That's it, I'm whacking both of you.

Look, I know you all curl up on your futons at night dreaming of cracking a real medical mystery so that some doctor slash supermodel will want to touch your eruption button.  But, here's the bad news.  This isn't a tv show, there aren't any cameras here, real medical mysteries don't happen every week and real doctors damn sure don't look like models.  They look like Rex.
  What?
Chin up, ya ugly bastard.  So, if you want to solve a real mystery, go ahead and figure out who's taking my New York Times every Sunday.  Or, better yet, how about why anybody on the planet thinks Dane Cook is funny?  As far as Mr. Pierce goes, he has your run of the mill pulmonary embolism and I know, I know, it is a boring medical diagnosis, but that's what hospitals are.  Boring.

Hey, there's that baby you stole.

And phone sex is out of the question, because I'm a righty when I talk on the phone, but I'm also a righty when I'm teaching Mini-JD who daddy is.

I wanted to give you your paycheck in person so you can hand it back to me to pay your bill.
  Why don't you just hang on to that, sir.
That's not how it works.  Now I'm going to hand it to you, and I want you to look at it, sigh, and give it back to me.

I invented a machine that prints business cards.
  That's already been invented.
I know.  But mine also fires paint pellets.

Dr. Reed I thought I would just stop in and say goodbye.
  Why?  I'll still be working here.
Yes, but you won't be working for Sacred Heart, the place that spent a fortune training you, only to have you take off for greener pastures.  You're like a prostitute that gets paid up front then bolts from the restaurant after dinner.  It's about common courtesy, Reed, whether to your boss or a kind-hearted John who's given you a lot of business over the years.  So goodbye, Ms. Mai Ling of Gentle Oriental Escort, and goodbye, Dr. Reed.  I won't be speaking to either of you ever again.

Well what's it called?
  Frecklefart 90.
Awww, for the freckle on  ass, my lactose intolerance, and the fact that I graduated high school in 1990.
  Yes.  That was so lucky!

No matter what I do to entertain myself I'm still bored, whether it's reading the paper or shaving the sideburns off of some resident because his license plate says "PARTYDOC".

This one time, my dad wasn't talking to my mom because she stopped boffing the gardener during the height of weed season.  I know!  She wasn't thinking.

The only thing worse than not knowing why a patient is crashing is being offered help by the hospital's grief counselor, Dr. Hedrick.
  Need help, old friend?
Oh yeah, her kidneys are failing.  Give her a pep talk, stat!

You know, instead of lashing out at me, why don't you turn that anger guy at the person you're really mad at.  Mommy? Just a guess.  I mean, there's gotta be a reason you're always such a d-bag, right?

Maybe he got freaky with some Cheetos.

Maybe he used some fake tan cream.  Used it once, turned me orange all over.
  There were no foreign substances found on his skin, but kudos Keith on finally outing yourself.

Yeah, I don't really give a rat's doodoo maker, Turk.

Don't say hate, Ghandi. You kids throw that work around so much it's lost all its meaning.   Now, now I have to find a work stronger than hate to describe how I feel about others.  Hmmmmm.....I megaloathe you all.  Good day.

I can read a chart, newbie.  Now leave before I put a rhinestone collar around your neck, have you fixed and make you my lapdoctor.

You usually have to go to a van convention to see art of this quality.  Ya do.
  Got a confession to make I actually cheated a little, I used an actual head from the morgue as a model.  Be careful, it's actually around here somewhere.

Podiatrist?
  I also buy and sell feet.  So anyway you want to go, I got you covered.

Tako-tsubo cardiomyopathy, otherwise known as Broken Heart Syndrome, is when a severe emotional trauma triggers a weakening of the heart muscle.

She's gonna need alot more counseling, but we'll get her there. Well, not so much we, as me.  Your part, the bungling of the diagnosis, is done.

I can't believe you can have heart failure just from being sad.  I mean, how are you supposed to treat that?  He's coding, get me a box of kittens, stat!  Possible side effects of kittens include sneezing, tiny scratches, and erectile dysfunction.

Will you excuse me for a second?
  Oh, god yes.

Look, we're gonna talk every night, we're gonna get you a hands free headset for phone sex.  We're gonna get through it.

More Scrubs Quotes...

Ok, here we go.

• Get back on the weight loss track and hit my goal weight. Right now that'd mean dropping about 12 more pounds. 6 of which I'd gained over the holidays :)
• Get published in a meaningful way. I've written a couple of e-books before, but none of them are going to ever even make it onto the radar, as far as secondary income goes. I'd like this year to write and publish something that I feel could make me some pocket money. Whether it does or not, well, I don't control that.
• New mantra: Complete the bad stuff so there's more time for the good stuff. At any given time I've got a good dozen projects running around my brain. Some work, some personal. Some practical, some blue sky. Some take two minutes, some take two years. Whenever I focus on one, particularly one of the "have to get done" ones, I have a horrible habit of spending all my mental energy thinking "As long as I'm working on this, I'm not working on [other, probably more fun project]." And when I do allow myself time to work on the fun ones, I'm inevitably thinking "Man, I should really get back to the boring have-to-do and just do it." So, I don't win on either end. My new goal is to tackle one project at a time and stay focused on it until I make meaningful progress. I won't say "finish", because often you'll hit a wall where you can't finish it right that moment. But by making recognizable progress I'll at least feel better about putting it down and moving on to something else.

There you go, that's my list. Consider it documented. Who else wants to volunteer?