After mentioning TaxCut in a blog post over at Commute Smarter, somebody from the company sent me a coupon for a free copy of the software (including e-file) which goes for about $75. I'd already bought the program and filed my taxes, so I'm giving it away.

To enter, see the original post for more details. Good luck!

Well the Sanjaya juggernaut continues as once again he's not even in the bottom three. This time the bottom three is Phil, Haley and ... Chris Sligh? Interesting. The first two surprise me as neither of them sang bad enough to be eliminated for it, and Chris Sligh surprises me because I thought that his fan club would have been enough to keep him around. Where's Chris R in the bottom? And Sanjaya?

Anyway, Chris Sligh's going home. So much for making David Hasselhoff cry. My neighbor's going to be upset, she had him in the pool.

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Albeit an imaginary one. Elizabeth (not yet 3) has a new thing where she comes into my bathroom in the morning before I take a shower and says, "I wear your watch, Daddy." So I strap my watch onto her arm.

"In five minutes Katherine wake up," she says. "I all done." Then she takes the watch off and walks away.

Done it every day this week, the exact same.

The only redeeming quality of the results show is that demonstrations of professional ballroom dancing. Combining that with a song (or two) from whatever B-list celebrity they have on hand that week actually makes them both bearable, compared with something like American Idol where we have no choice but to sit and listen to Carrie or Fantasia or whoever is legally obligated to sing that week. On Dancing we can ignore Dionne Warwick and watch Anna Trebunskya wiggle her hips.

Anyway, it comes down to Paulina and Shandi, which seems to pretty well demonstrate that all these things are popularity contests, not talent contests. Paulina and Shandi didn't stand out. Billy Ray, even if he's a lousy dancer, has got a following because of his television show. The audience doesn't vote for people they don't know.

Can I take a moment to say how badly Samantha screwed up several times tonight? At one point she said "after the babank" instead of "after the break" which had Tom looking at her strange, and then later she completely screwed up the tease about who was in the bottom two when she said "Paulina and Alec....uhh...." before going on to just list everybody's name. Turns out they were in the bottom two anyway. Bad cover.

Speaking of them, Paulina is indeed the first to go. That must piss off Alec. Remember, he was the season one champion. You have to figure that he was looking forward to making a real showing of it.

When I heard that Gwen Stefani (No Doubt) was the special guest this week, I thought it could be pretty cool. I liked that era of music. They could easily have gone with a 90's theme. Instead we got a bunch of Police and Donna Summer in a boring "what inspired me" theme week. Was it stuff that inspired Gwen Stefani? I couldn't quite figure that out, why would we care what her inspirations were?

Lakisha (Let's Dance, Donna Summer) - Does doing classic disco tunes show any real range for Lakisha? Sure it was faster than her usual, and she actually moved around the stage, but maybe I just hate the song in general.

Chris Sligh (Every Little Thing, The Police) - Chris can't stay on the beat and everybody calls him on it, judges and Gwen Stefani as well, going so far as to say that it's painful for the audience to listen to. It really was bad this week, even his look was off. He looked fat and winded, quite frankly.

Gina (I'll Stand By You) - Unlike Lakisha, Gina brings us a "stand there and belt it out" song, and the judges go nuts for it. Simon's all compliments as well, saying "That wasn't one of your best, that *was* your best."

Sanjaya (Bathwater, No Doubt) - Oh dear God what did Sanjaya do to his hair this week? If we rule out the fact that he looked stupid, it really shows that the kid has a set on him. They make fun of his hair every week, so now he's saying "I dare you." That's confidence. He reminded me of a character from Mad Max or something. Simon tells him that it doesn't matter what they say, the people that like him will vote for him.

Haley (True Colors, Cyndi Lauper) - Going against the advice of the professional, Haley mucks all around with the melody of the song and the judges don't love it. They tell her that it's boring and too adult/contemporary, and anybody could have done that.

Phil (Every Breath You Take, The Police) - Hey, he's got the hat back. I can't decide which I like better. At least this hat fits. I do like his song this week, maybe it's not so bad that he's stuck around. The judges like it as well.

Melinda (Heaven Knows, Donna Summer) - Have the judges ever said anything bad about Melinda? I don't think so. The worst Simon said was that he didn't like her outfit.

Blake (Love Song, The Cure) - I can't believe that Blake busted out such a kill yourself slow song like The Cure. I dig Blake, I want to see him win the whole thing, but man I wanted to put him out of his own misery during that song. The judges, on the other hand, really liked it. Simon told him multiple times that he's the best of the guys.

Jordin (Hey Baby, No Doubt) - I really did not enjoy Jordin's version of the song, but I can't put my finger on why. Seems like more of a team effort sort of song, not really a solo thing. Plus, can we talk about the outfit? She looked like she just got off of field hockey practice and decided to wrap a picnic table cloth around herself. Totally distracting. Seriously, was that gym shorts she was wearing?

Chris R (Don't Speak, No Doubt) - I just don't enjoy the way this kid sings, what can I say. Gwen calls it "vocal Olympics". Blah. It's slow, it's all over the place, and he's got a weird habit of looking over his shoulder like he's expecting the band to come up on stage or something. Time to go.

Speaking of time to go, I have no idea who it will be this week. Sanjaya has really messed up everybody's predictions. It's really up in the air.

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I am seriously behind in my blogging, so let's get right to the couples, what they danced to, and how they did.

Apolo Anton Ohno and  Julianne Hough (Two Hearts Living in Just One Mind)  Better than last week (where I said he wasn't as good as I'd expected him to be), the judges are clearly setting him up as the front runner.

Shandi Finnessey and Brian Fortuna (Right Now) She just doesn't really have the natural grace, and is pulling low scores.  She won't last long, although she might not be the first to go.

Clyde Drexler and Elena Grinenko (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher)  All the judges say Clyde did well, but low scores don't back that up.  He could be in danger.

Leeza Gibbons and Tony Dovolani (Independent Women, Destiny's Child) Leeza's not really relaxing and getting into it.  Sure, she's 50, but John Ratzenberger is older than that and he's getting into the spirit.

Ian Ziering and Cheryl Burke (Don't Get Me Wrong, Pretenders) Ian drops to fourth place, looks like he's not much of a front runner after all.

Paulina Porizkova and Alec Mazo (La Bamba, Richie Valens)  After making a big deal out of the "death drop", it's really not that big of a deal.  Carrie Anne sums it up:  "I think it's very apparent this is not natural for your body."

Billy Ray Cyrus and Karina Smirnoff (Ring of Fire, Johnny Cash) Much improved from last week, but still at the bottom of the pack. People on the net are speaking of the "Disney vote" keeping him around since he plays somebody's dad on some show for the teenybopper set.  We shall see.

Heather Mills and Jonathan Roberts (Mambo Italiano)  I was worried about the mambo for Heather, thinking that she couldn't do any serious hip wiggling.  I was very wrong.  Not only did she survive it, she actually did very well.  She even included what I think is called a "back walkover" which is something nobody else tried.

John Ratzenberger and Edyta Sliwinska (The Lady Is A Tramp) Oh, I hate it when the old guys bust out the props (like John's pocketwatch).  It never bodes well in the long run, it just says "more time spent not dancing".  He does all right, that's about the best you can say.  He tried.  I think the difference between John and some of the other charismatic gentlemen like Springer, Hamilton and O'Hurley is that he's giving the opinion he really doesn't care if he gets eliminated.  The others all seemed like they were really trying hard and wanted to stay from week to week.  Ratzenberger is like "Hey, I come out and do what I do."

Laila Ali and Maksim Chmerkovskiy (I have no idea, it was not in English)  The judges just love Laila, but I don't see it.  Maybe they're digging on her mambo because she's got the most defined set of hips in the whole competition.  For me I can't get over the man voice.   The judges catapult her into the lead.  Will the audience get behind her as well?

Joey Fatone and Kym Johnson (Tell Her About It, Billy Joel)  The judges claim to love Joey, but his low score (24) doesn't seem to match that.  Since that still left him in second place you wonder if they deliberately put Laila out in front by giving her a 27.

 

Who is going home this week?  Seems like Billy Ray is the obvious choice, but who really knows.  Sometimes it's a matter of who the audience gets behind.  If that's the case then it could easily be Shandi or Paulina or even Leeza, none of them have really got the pizzazz to keep the camera focused on them.

 

I am disappointed in the continuing transformation of Dr. Cox into Hawkeye Pierce.  After all the build up that Scrubs is going to kill off a cast member, do you mean to tell me that they're couching it in an episode that once again showcases Perry's angst at the world?  Was there a single argument that he made against religion that the rest of us didn't get bored with back in college?  Is an experienced doctor still having trouble with this? Bad things happen to good people.  Some folks choose to use this as a demonstration that there is no omnipotent being, and others say that there's always a reason for things, whether we understand it or not.  Check.  I don't believe at all his mania for trying to break Laverne's spirit.  Or worse that his mind could be so quickly changed by the comment about how they've been better than ever since the pre-natal surgery.  The big question now is whether they will continue the current story line to its logical conclusion, or if this is just a headfake to set us up for a real shocker.  I just wish I understood what we're supposed to get out of it.  Perry going to become a believer?  Not really in character for him.  He going to become ever angrier at the world for no consistent reason?  He's already got that.

The good news is that the other storylines and writing were very good this week.  It's a shame that some of the best bits (like JD grabbing Turk's leg, or Janitor's JD stare, or Kelso's "say it with this face") can't really be transcribed.

Can a doctor bring a patient's dog into the hospital?
  I'm going to say the same thing I said to my new gardener when he asked me for Easter off.  No way, Jose.  His name's actually Jose, that's why I hired him.

Wait what happened to all of your cleaning supplies?
  Actually that's a really funny story.
And?
  Nothing, I'm just looking at my cleaning supplies.  I got drunk last night and threw them up in that tree.

Just stay cool.
  No problemo.  Top of morning Doctor Walter Mickhead!  Snoop Dogg Resident, when we hitting the clubs, yo?  Oh Colonel Doctor, that tie looks finger-lickin good.
So natural.  Did you act in college?
  I did, thank you.

I need you to go to the video store and get me anything with Viggo Somethingsen.  I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie and a polaroid of the tomato plant I planted last spring because I'm worried it may have snails.  Oh, and if you see that neighbor Lena from down the hall I want you to roll your eyes and say the word slut.  Under your breath, but loud enough so she can hear.  And don't forget to be home by six-thirty because you've got to give Jack his bath before you make my dinner!
  But, when will I have time to kill myself?

Skeptical air five!

My mom put a nanny-cam in my bathroom.  She said my baths were too long.

We did everything we could for your mom, but sometimes life just...
  Booooooobiesssss!
Gotta go.  Boobie horn.

Oh God, Keith and I haven't had sex in so long.
  Ok, you said the same thing when you saw me changing Izzie's diaper.  What are you and Keith doing to each other?

Why don't you hop aboard the what's up Dr. Cox's butt trolley and we can begin our tour.  Coming up on our left is my bloated, bed-ridden ex-wife who's not allowed to lift a finger, which thankfully leaves it all up to these guys.  Now if you'll look to your right, you'll see my waning libido, my crushed soul, and my very last nerve which I would advise you not to get on, under or even close to.

Does it help to know that Jesus loves you?
  It does not.

Are you really trying to tell me that things like New Orleans, Aids, sugar-free ice cream, crack babies, Hugh Jackman and cancer all happen for a reason? 

God works all things for good.  Romans, 8 28.
  Bull dinky.  Perry Cox, six one.  A buck eighty five after lunch.

I'd let her give me a bath, I don't care if my mom was watching.

Can you make her eat a banana?
  It's not interactive, Todd.

(And then every male in the room fell totally in sync, resulting in the rarest of all phenomena, the Seamless Collaborative Guy Lie.)
  The American season is over.  We were watching Mexican football.
    They started late this year.
      Because of the churro vendors.
        They went on strike and the players wouldn't cross the picket line.
          When the dispute turned violent they called in Roderigo Vasquez, the owner of the Baja Banditos, to step in.
            Thanks to Senor Vasquez' dealing with the fruit pickers unions, he was able to broker a last minute deal and the season was salvaged.
              And that's why we're watching football in the spring.

Where's the disinfectant, Lurch?

Hey, the little fella figured out the latch.  Just like the snakes.

Why is it so important that everyone believes what you do?
  Because I'm right, and I'm the only one with any proof.

I interviewed 23 girls until I found Heather.  But if I ever catch you eyeballing her again I will fire her tight little butt.  And then you'll get to spend every waking moment interviewing the next 23 fugly ass candidates until we find another good one.

And babam! I blew Laverne's argument clean out of the water when I asked her why an eight year old got knifed.
  Oh my god, that is so lucky.
I know.  I was thrilled.

It's infuriating.  I must break her.

You know how I can never use the word love except in a sarcastic way, like I love other's people's kids, or I love that haircut!  By the way, love that haircut, Per.  
  Everybody does.

I just wanted to let you know that you've really been there for me these past few weeks, and I'm really glad I have you.
  That was embarrassing for you.

He said Careful Jumpsuit, who signs your paychecks? And I said I don't know, the chief accountant Charles Fickenson and Dickenson or something, I can't read the signature, and for the hundredth time this is not a jumpsuit, it's a shirt and a pants.  Who wears a belt with a jumpsuit?

That's not her dad, that's the delivery guy in a sweater.
  My name is Lloyd.
    Stay in character.
  She's my world!

During the last one I'm taking the woman's vitals and her grandson kept trying to poke his tiny little fingers up my butt.
  Kids, huh?
He's 41, Carla. He just has very small hands.
  Oh that's not right.

Oh my god, Chad Miller, Danny Murphy, Jim Steggert?  Three football players who used to beat my up in high school.
  Looks like we were wrong about you, man.
What are you guys up to now?
  We're all gay together.  You remember Kristin Fisher?
Of course.  You turned me down homecoming and prom, even though I didn't ask you to either one.
    Well I'd love to make it up to you and have sex with both of you.  If that's all right with you, Heather.
      As long as we make it all about JD.
Sure!  Come on in!

Come on Buddy.
  Where did I lose you?
How did Kristin know Heather's name?
  Damn!  You're good.  We went line dancing and I cut her with one of my spurs.

The last movie I went to see was the Blair Witch Project, which is the main reason why I've stopped camping. That and the time a wolf mounted me.

For a half-breed baby your parents have some pretty nice stuff.

She was a racist thief!
  A smoking hot racist thief.

(Be careful, though, because if you start believing that bad things happen for a reason, it hurts that much more when they don't.)

 

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Normally I wouldn't blink twice at this article from Mental Floss on A Few Of Our Favorite Trees, but the first tree is Sri Maha Bodhi, believed to be grown from a sapling of the original Bodhi tree where The Buddha attained enlightenment.

And I think it's funny that they call it "one of the world's most sacred fig-producing holy sites."

Well, Lulu sang To Sir With Love for me. Dear God she killed it. I'm going to pretend that didn't happen, and just go back to enjoying the original.

Surprising results this week as the Phil, Sanjaya, Haley and Gina are all safe, and it's Chris R and Stephanie in the bottom 2. Stephanie was one of the strongest since the beginning but "lost her edge" according to the judges. Chris, meanwhile, is generic and dull, but had his best week last night. Neither one probably deserved to go before somebody like Sanjaya.

Stephanie goes home. It's probably for the best, and I think she knew it. Nobody was saying "Melinda, Lakisha and Stephanie".

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In this case it's The Great Buddha of Nara, a statue in Japan almost 50ft tall and weighing 500 tons. He is cleaned once a year by 230 priests, all dressed in white, who climb all over him and carry away dust by the bucketful.

Make sure to read the comments, the first one from a guy laughing about Buddha as "god" and the rest of the comments smacking him down for his ignorance of Buddhism.

After listening to the commentary from Peter Noone and Lulu, I'm wondering if they really got the concept. Seems like Peter's advice to everybody was "Don't mess too much with the original, it was fine like it was."

• Haley does "Tell Him" and everybody loves it. She gets poor Simon all hot and bothered by not wearing a bra under her little glittery shimmery top and shaking it right in front of him. Personally I didn't love it, I thought she was concentrating more on getting from one side of the stage to the other and not singing all that great.
• Chris R does "Don't Let The Sun Catch You Crying", a cool Gerry and the Pacemakers song, and gets the first of many Peter Noone "The original is good enough don't mess with it" comments. But the judges love it and go right to the "You made it modern" comments. I still think the kid is too generic for me and won't last. Although I liked the honesty is his comment when he said "I keep wanting to just run it all over the place and have to control myself not to do that."
• Stephanie does Dusty Springfield's "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me" which is a cool song, but she's very boring lately and all the judges point out that she's lost her edge. Maybe because she reads the papers and all she ever hears about are Melinda and Lakisha?
• Blake hits a major home run with a great modern remix of Time Of The Season, complete with beatbox. Everybody, including Simon, loved it. Well, everyone except for Peter Noone who said that the first row should watch out for "all the spitting."
• Lakisha goes with Shirley Bassey "Diamonds Are Forever", which I would have thought a great choice for that big voice of hers, but the judges didn't love it. Maybe she should have gone with Lulu's advice and done You're My World? I don't think I know that song.
• Phil does Tobacco Road, and leaves me pretty cold. Just not interested, really. Simon tells him he has no "grit".
• Jordin does "I Who Have Nothing", more Shirley Bassey apparently, which I've never heard of but Lulu loves. Sounded good to me. Randy gives a big compliment with the prediction "One of the best I think we'll see tonight" and we're not half done yet.
• Interview with Peter Noone, and he even confirms that his biggest advice is "Stick with the melody."
• Sanjaya, dear Sanjaya, love of the Internet. Tries to decide between "You've Really Got Me" (is it You or You've?) or "I'm Into Something Good", a Herman's Hermits classic. Noone steers him away from that one and tells him to stick with "You've Really Got Me" which I can just tell is going to be brutal with the judges but I bet his fans still like. At least he attempts to rock it out. Actually Randy likes it ("I'm in shock, best performance to date, the new Sanjaya"). Simon points to a crying little girl and says "I think her face says it all." A little weird. She didn't stop crying through the whole show, but apparently it was because she was happy.
• Man, I don't care about the fan questions.
• Gina is doing Paint It Black which is about as rock as it gets. Starts out weak, and her outfit is ugly. The drums in this song are awesome, by the way. I don't like her version, it's too high. Simon calls it torture.
• Chris Sligh is actually going to do Henry VIII? Is that a joke? Oh, wait, it is a joke. He's doing She's Not There. Much better, I like that song. That's the kind of British Invasion stuff that's my favorite. I don't love his version, although I think his voice is good. Just not the kind of match I was hoping for. Once again he argues with Simon, which I hate.
• Melinda closes the show with "As Long As He Needs Me", another one I've never heard of. I'm disappointed that nobody did To Sir With Love. Judges love it, but what else would you expect? It's Melinda, the chosen one.

So who's it going to be this week? Well Sanjaya is always a possible choice, although the judges seemed to get a kick out of him this week. Phil got a lousy review, as did Gina. I think it could be Phil.

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Ok, I've managed to watch the whole thing, here's my thoughts on the pairs.

Ian & Cheryl - I appreciate that Cheryl's the two-time champion now, and I enjoyed her last season, but if they make her the star of this season I think I'm going to get a little sick of her.  Ian is a good partner and they're probably destined to go far.  But at this point I'd be much more interested in seeing Edyta, Ashley (who is not here this season), and that little Russian redheaded one whose name I forget who is also not here.

Paulina & Alec - Paulina gets the typical "super model grace" points with the long arm extensions.  She may do the best of the women.

Billy Ray & Karina - God that was painful to watch.  Will he be the first to go?  It would be fitting, since I think that Karina turned everybody off last season with her personality.  It's pretty much accepted on the net that Karina and Mario were the better dancers but nobody liked her.

Leeza & Tony - Leeza's too stiff right now, she has to lighten up.  Lisa Rinna ended up doing very well coming from the same general perspective.

Joey & Kym - Former N'Sync member does well for himself.  Kym is becoming one of my favorite of the dancers, too.  I liked her with Jerry Springer last season.

Laila & Maksim - God, I'm sure Laila Ali is a nice person, but she comes across like a beast.  The big deep voice, the massive upper body?  I don't see how anybody will be able to warm up to her.  It's like they invited Chyna from the WWE...only when Chyna talks she actually sounds female.

John & Edyta - Cliff from Cheers, as a last minute replacement, turns out to fill the "charismatic old guy" role nicely.  I actually quite like him, and his whole philosophy.  "I worry about meteors hitting the Earth, I don't worry about this," he tells his partner.  I don't know if they'll ride the vote as long as Springer did, but he won't be the one that goes the first week.

Shandy & Brian - Does anybody know this girl?  She seems very nervous and rushed in her dancing.  Coupled with a first time professional partner that the audience won't know yet, her days might be pretty short.

Clyde & Elena - For a big tall guy, Clyde does better than expected with the judges.  Whether he's more Evander Holyfield or Emmitt Smith remains to be seen, but I'm betting on the former.

Heather & Jonathan - Heather's going to get all the press and attention for the fake leg.  I have to admit, though, that they're handling it well.  I laughed out loud when they said "Of course we'll treat her just like everybody else," because I turned to Kerry and said "Except they're going to tell her to point her toes and she can't."  Sure enough Heather herself beat me to it, telling the judges, "Just don't tell me to point my toes.  If you can point them I'll pay you." 

Apolo & Julianne - Apolo's not as good a dancer as I expected him to be.  Maybe it's nerves, maybe it's age (he's young, right?)  Maybe it's the whole training for the Olympics thing.  Who knows.

Overall it's not a great set of stars.  Last season we had Joey Lawrence and Mario Lopez, both of whom were early favorites.  If I have to guess, the picks right now would be Ian Ziering and Joey Fatone, but that's not saying too much.  They're like the doughy versions of the first two.

 

CNN reports that this missing boy scout has been found alive.  Sometimes the stories turn out good.

 

Ok, I'm going to start to fall behind here for a little bit since they sprung the premiere on me early, so my apologies ahead of time. Since we haven't finished the show yet at my house I'll save the review of the actual dancers until tonight. But here's thoughts on the premiere itself:

• It's funny how they're hyping "they only had 4 weeks to train instead of 6!" like it's a big thing, and then they say "But the first week there'll be no eliminations." In other words, "We just wanted to get on tv earlier." A week of dancing without eliminations? So, basically, the show is just a 2 hour introduction to the cast? Ummm...
• I'm surprised that the producers haven't yet realized that the professional dancers are becoming stars in their own right at this point. What the heck was up with that mess of an opening number? Kerry and I were frantically looking for the dancers we recognized from past years. I'm disappointed that I didn't see Ashley, the little cute one who got stuck with Master P. I liked her. Why in the world couldn't they have worked in introductions to the dancers at that point? Even when the stars themselves came out, there was a graphic showing the dancer's name, without so much as a "from last season" or anything. They're still using the same introductions for the dancers that they've used since the beginning. Boring. If a dancer's been on the show before (besides Cheryl, we all know Cheryl's going to be the camera darling this time around), show some clips of their dancing.
• And speaking of that chaotic opening number, just how bad is the camera work going to be this year? That was painful to watch. I haven't seen all the pairs dancing yet, but when Joey Fatone was dancing we saw a cameraman or something run across the screen. That's just great.
• Heather Mills would rather be known as "charity campaigner" and "first dancer with an artificial limb" than "Paul McCartney's ex-wife"? This is supposed to be dancing with the *stars*, right? I wonder if anybody will dance to any Beatles covers.
• Oh my god how bad did Billy Ray Cyrus look? I wonder if he'll be the first one gone this time around? That would be karma -- his partner is Karina, who pretty much lost the championship last year on her personality alone. Serves her right getting her hair pulled out of her head. Ouch. :)
• Did anybody else feel a little weird with the champ from season one out there dancing? I'd almost forgotten about the lost season. You know, the one where it was fixed, before they realized that they might have a hit on their hands.
• Here's some totally trivial trivia. One of the pairs danced to "Ballroom Blitz." In the movie Wayne's World, this song was performed by ... Tia Carrere, former Dancing With The Stars competitor. I said it was trivial.

As of this writing I saw Ian, Billy Ray, Leeza, Paulina and Joey dance. Ian was the best, Billy Ray the worst. Leeza was surprisingly stiff, she's not doing her Lisa Rinna spot justice if she's going to dance like that.

Like I said, I'll write more once I see the whole show. I'm thinking about trying to track the music this year, but that might be pushing my luck.

This episode was cute, but one of those that are sort of out-of-time in that they don't really advance any plotlines.  It's like an extra that they have lying around that they can drop in for whatever reason to stall for a week.  Since I'm late this week I had a chance to listen to the NBC podcast that goes with the show. Interesting things I learned:

• Ken Jennings, who plays Dr. Kelso, has a bad habit of referring to the young Asian ladies who play in his fantasy sequences as "little girls."  Maybe they really are kids, or maybe it's just something that he says, but when you're taking about a massage parlor sequence and a happy ending it's weird to hear him say things like "I could just picture that little girl having to call her mother and tell her what she did today."
• The guy that plays the delivery man is a writer/producer on the show.
• This script was the first script written by this particular writer, whose name I forget.  It shows.  It was almost like a tryout.  Here, write a show, but don't advance any of the plotlines, just make it funny.
• Laverne shouting out her name before smashing Carla's window actually was a geeky reference to the World of Warcraft character of LEEEROYYYY JENKINNSSS!  But you have to be very geeky to get that.

Anyway, on with the show!

 

But call me Grandpa again and you and I are gonna play a little game called "Hide the Wingtip."  There may be a generational gap here, I'll explain.  The wingtip is my shoe, and the hiding place is your ass.

Well, let's see what Enid packed for lunch today.  A stapler and a golf ball.  She's not well.

Cool, Mr. Rabinowitz just kicked it!  Oh don't worry, he put his peep in an electrical socket.  You can't do that.

Dude, I've had a pro bono like all morning.  Something-might-be-wrong five!

Why so awkward?  You never saw a colleague get a happy ending before?
  No, not that happy.
    But thank you, for including us.

I started using that new facial cream made from baby foreskins.

Oh, you think you're funny?
  I do. I always have, ever since I was little. It's one of the reasons I'm a winner.

White people do the craziest things.
  Like bumper stickers.  I don't give a damn what you break for.

Anyway, small favor.  I need your baby.  I'm getting into the baby broker business.  Nothing illicit, I'm just hooking up folks who can't have babies with folks who don't want babies.

If this is your way of trying to make me feel guilty about paving over that Indian burial ground it isn't going to work.  We needed the damn parking spaces!

Hey, Mom.  A guy tried to die on me today, but I didn't let him.  I didn't let him!

Scuse me guys, stealin scrubs here.

Well anyway, since I wasn't willing to do the things you need to do in jail to get narcotics, at least not enthusiastically, I got clean.

I have a game.  Raise your hand if you're full of crap.  Sam, if you don't raise your hand, you're going to lose the game.

Come on man, you don't know how hard it's been to stay straight.
  Been there, brother.

No, it's not bald black doctor.  It's haired, half white half Innuit janitor.

Here's what I want.  I want your baby, we already talked about that.  I want you to tell that new borderline anorexic nurse to eat a sandwich, and then to go salsa dancing with me.  Also I want you to teach me to salsa dance.  I want a pound of frankincense, mostly just to see what it is.  And, lastly, I'm in a little bit of a tiff with the main barista down at Coffee Bucks.  He's not above poisoning me so I'm gonna need you to be my official beverage taster.  Yes?

Nothing ever changes.  The artist formerly known as Prince is still just prince.  My ex-wife is still pretty much my wife.  Grey's Anatomy always wraps up every episode with some cheesy voice over that ties together all of the storylines which incidentally is my least favorite device on television.  Newbie continually will try to violate my no touching policy...uh huh....and Republicans will forever try to raise
  Sneak hug!

(Unga bunga tunga runga, tonga batonga bunga.)

I may have killed you, but I think I was upset about it.

Maybe we should post the transcript of your little "nothing ever changes" rant for the cancer patients in the chemo ward as a little pick-me-up.  Oh and FYI, I happen to like the voiceovers on Grey's Anatomy.  Except for when they're really vague and generic.
  (And so in the end, I knew what Elliot said about the way things were had forever changed the way we all thought about them.)

I don't care what you think, I'm always going to believe the best in people.
  All the best with that, Barbidiot.

Well, tunafish on a sponge.  She's getting closer.

Are you seriously doing the cliched sarcastic slow clap?  Because that's way too 1980s.

Ghost dog!  Ghost dog!

More Scrubs Quotes

 

If you don't always pick the obvious candidate, it's easy to play this game. Sanjaya is safe for another week.

Read more...

The root of all evil, John Chow is giving away a Nintendo Wii. To enter, all I have to do is write a blog post about it. So here you go.

The contest is sponsored by 1234Pens.com. They make promotional pens.

Well, except for Melinda and Lakisha, but you probably already knew that.

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Whoever it was that went on an Amazon shopping spree yesterday on my affiliate account, thanks! That was a pleasant surprise this morning.

Everytime I go get my haircut, I make the same joke. "The older I get," I tell whoever has just done the $14.95 job on me, "The less time I seem to spend in this chair."

Today, for the first time, the girl responded with, "Of course. Now you've got more important things to do."

I like it. Good point. Actually made me feel like "Why yes, yes I do."

Pretty awesome episode, even though it did have that sort of Friends "all of them in a room" vibe.  I liked the twist of the janitor kind of being part of it, but not really, by being stuck outside the door.  Some of it was stupid, of course - suddenly Carla is a stand up comedian?  Just like friends, when all of a sudden Rachel is a gossip or Monica is a photographer.  Stuff they just throw into a single episode without bothering with years of continuity.

Anyway.  Can I just say goddamn how awesome is REM's Out of Time?  I had truly forgotten just how fall down on the floor stare at the television with your jaw hanging open awesome a song like "Half A World Away" is.  I have to go dig that CD up out of my collection right now and get it onto the iPod.  There are some forgotten gems on there.

 

That picture's so old, the beaches are still segregated.  Look, there's us way in the back.  Doesn't that bother you?
  God, I'm stunning.

That is both very sad and not the least bit shocking.

So you want me to start with how I still can't walk normally and then segway into an anecdote about how you played my tush like a bongo until I cried out in pleasurepain?
  Sorry?
Your army buddies are gonna see it, I assume you want it filthy.
  No, filthy's cool.

You would hear crickets chirping but they were all too uncomfortable about just how unfunny that actually was.

Barbie is funniest when she's an anal retentive train wreck.  Your husband sells it with a cocky attitude.
  Well ya know, I do what I do and I do what I do.
The janitor is amusing because quite frankly, he's insane.
    I made shoes for my rabbit.
And Alice here, well, she can turn a phrase.  I assume that because I just called you Alice, you are now fantasizing about me being the maid in the Brady Bunch.  Am I right?
      He was.
Now sadly, some people just aren't funny.  But!  They've got funny names.  For example:  Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Colonel Doctor, and Snoop Dogg Intern.
        Hey!
My bad, Snoop Dogg Resident.  The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God which is hilarious to me, and Ted is the hospital sad sack.
          I am?
Yes.
          Awwwww.
And me?  I'm funny because I commit. C-O-MM-I-TTTTT...T.T...TTTT.TTTT......T.  I also do funny rants.  To tell you the truth there's only one guy in this entire dump who's funny no matter what he says.
            Holy Hell are my new boxers made out of wool?  Cuz my weasel's getting heatstroke.

Bitches leave!
  It's go time.
    Nononono, we're playing guess the movie quote.  That was from Robocop.

Hi Mrs. Blue, hi it's John Dorian, I dated your beautiful daughter Stacy when we were in college.  She's dead?  She fell asleep in the pool?
  Oh my god.
Incidentally did she ever mention banging a black guy when she was in college?  Had a high top fade like Kid N Play.  Kid, Kid, Kid N Play, you know, they were a rap group.  Your dead daughter loved them.

I don't know if it's old age that's slowing me down or all that blood I lost last night fighting that hobo, but I just blew that.  I should have said, You think my job is so unimportant that I can stand around all day holding a fish?

Baby, remember?  We're supposed to renew our relations tonight for the first time since Izzie was born.

I was coming back from class and outside our room I heard, "Oh my god, it's true what they say about black guys!" So I opened the door.  And I saw you and Stacy.  So I said, "Get off my girl before I kick your ass so deep, you gonna be crappin my Keds for a week!" Then you said, "Chill out, dawg, you know you my boyyy!  This ain't be what it looks like, aight?"  But it wasn't aight, was it Turk?

I'm gonna smash it!  He knows I'm gonna smash it.  He wants me to smash it.  He wants to prove that I can't not smash it.  It's a head game.  You're not gonna win a head game with me, Dorian.  Never.  Never!

Baby I had a big old lunch, now I got the downtown pushdown!

If I wanted my patients to be more depressed I'd just have them read newbie's latest blog entry.
  "Why Being Really Lonely Is Sometimes Super Awesome."

I'm never surprised by what people will do.  Or for that matter, who they will do.

A small child vomited downstairs, it smells like pickles and milk.  Kind of like one of Enid's burps.  Consider it a chance to prove yourself.

How long have you been awake?
  Long enough to know you need to fart, and Carla's not funny, and JD's imitation of a black guy is really racist.
    He be trippin!

Not to worry, I'm sure there's a huge demand out there for a high school grad who can't sign his name and gets confused by stuff that wouldn't phase a five year old.

Of course, some admissions you don't see coming.
  I once tried to kill myself.

(After Elliot told us she'd tried to commit suicide, I had to ask the question that was on everybody's mind.)  "Was it because I broke up with you?"

Well they both killed themselves.  Plath stuck her head in the oven,  but that was not an option for me because every time my head gets hot I need to pee and I was not about to be found lying in a puddle of my own urine.  Not again, not after the prom fiasco.

None of you guys have any idea what it feels like to feel this hopeless in your life.  You know, other than JD.

That's right.  And my baby being happy is worth all the vaginal dryness in the world.
  (And none of us would ever look at Carla the same way again.)

If I'd known back then you were just gonna go ahead and give up I would have saved myself a huge hassle, smothered you with a pillow and spent all my extra time catching up on newbie's pathetic blog.
  (Oh my god he referenced me in a tough love speech.  Stop smiling!)

 

More Scrubs Quotes

Some real surprises this time. And none of them for the better, unfortunately.

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I've become somewhat obsessed with teaching Katherine math.  At almost 5 years old, I don't believe that multiplication and division are concepts too difficult to understand.  I've blogged in the past about the "postfix trick", where you put the times at the end to make it more understandable -- "How much do you have if you do 3 2 times?"  The mental switch there is easier to grasp and you can see "3 and 3".  But this trick gets unmanageable quickly since it's hard for little brains to grasp numbers much larger (especially if you run out of fingers).

Lately we've started working with some flashcards that Nanta and Grampy got us.  At first we were going to set aside the multiplication cards as too hard, but after going through the various shape/color/letter cards Katherine said, "I want to do those."  She seems to have quickly grasped the tricks for 0 ("if you have 0 of anything, you've got 0") and 1 ("If you only have one of something, then that's what you have, so if you have one 7, then the answer is 7.")  And I tried the postfix trick for various combinations of multiplying by 2 or 3.  Part of the problem is that you quickly run out of fingers, you see.  There's not much that you can multiply by anything greater than 4x2 or 5x2 and still get the answer on both hands.

Here's a game I plan on trying when I get a moment.  I thought of it last night right at bed time so we didn't have a chance to play it, and I'm bored on the train so I'm writing it up.  You'll need:

• 10 little plastic Dixie cups, like the sort you hang by the bathroom sink to rinse when you brush your teeth
• at least 20 coins, beans, or other small countable items
• two big bowls (optional)
• marker.  Number the cups 1-10.

I chose 20 countable items because I think that children my daughter's age can reasonably work with numbers in that range.  The game could easily be expanded up to 100 by simply providing more countable things.  So you have to be careful to only choose combinations that result in an answer less than 20

Put all of your countable things into one of the big  bowls.  You could get by with just piles on the table or floor if you want, I figured the bowl just keeps it a little neater.  My 3yr old has a tendency to walk through the middle of such games and mess up the piles.

Pick a flashcard, or just make one up.  Say your flashcard is "5 x 3".  The child counts out 5 cups (using the numbers to help, if necessary), and then proceeds to take the items from the big bowl and distribute them, putting 3  in each cup.  Naturally it's important at this stage that the child can count to these numbers, but I'm assuming that she can, otherwise teaching her multiplication is a bit overkill.

Once that's done, dump all the cups into the other big bowl. Now count what's in that bowl.  There's your answer!

Sure it's a lot of steps, but the name of the game is for the child to eventually memorize the answers are predict the outcome, and then see if she's right.  You can take turns and let your toddler fill up the cups with beans, and then the adult has to guess at the answer.  Then you can figure out together whether you were right by dumping everything out and counting them up.

Division can be taught this way as well, but it's substantially harder because of fractions.  With the help of an adult you can count out a large number of coins, then pick a number of cups that you know divides that number evenly (for instance, pick 12 beans and 4 cups).  Then the child can distribute one coin each into the cups until they're all gone, and look at how many are in each cup.  If there aren't the same number in every cup, that means that the numbers don't divide.

Like I said, haven't tried it yet, but I hope to try it soon.  I'll post the results.

 

Kerry and I managed to disappear for a night up to a B&B in Maine this weekend. Back in November I'd promised to take her away for her birthday and made the arrangements, but it wasn't until now that we could find the time to make it happen. The fun thing about going to a bed and breakfast is that each one is unique, right down to your choice of rooms. Do you want the suite, or the one with a television? Queen or king bed? Jacuzzi tub, or fireplace? Finding the right combination is tricky, especially once you factor in your own budget and time considerations.

We found a nice place that had two large rooms to choose from that met my requirements - both had a king bed, and both had a fireplace. Interestingly, neither had a television. The other rooms that had televisions all had queen beds. One room had a "soaking tub" separate from the two-headed shower and, this was the final tipping point, a "pass through fireplace" that could be seen both from the bed / sitting area as well as from the bathroom. In other words you could relax in the tub and enjoy the fire. That sounded perfect.

It's interesting how you picture something in your head, isn't it? We got there, and it really is quite a nice place. Our room was indeed the best one they had. And oh look, there's the fireplace, a gas-insert type of thing built right into the wall so it can be seen from both sides. I've seen similar things in hotel lobbies. Cool. Then I notice that while yes, you can see the fireplace from the bathtub (if the door is closed), the tub is facing the wrong way. You can't actually lay down in the tub and still see it. Interesting how that detail slipped by. Thinking about it, I'm pretty sure that it was phrased as "you can see the fireplace from the tub", not necessarily that you could enjoy both at the same time. Sneaky.

And then came the second realization. A pass through fireplace, you see, is really another way of saying "A little window into the bathroom." Sure enough if you're out in the main room in just the right spot, you've got a straight through line of sight to the other person doing their business. I'm not really sure that's the sort of thing that you should mention on the marketing brochure, though. Never know what sort of clientèle that will attract.

The next morning at breakfast we met a couple who said they'd stayed in our room the night before, but moved to a different room. I wondered why, silently - something wrong with ours that they weren't telling us? Later I looked at the descriptions of the other rooms and realized that they'd switched to one with a jacuzzi tub. And a queen bed. To each their own, I guess.

Thanks for the ride Lloyd, this DUI is such a hassle.
  Been there bro.  Been there.
Alcohol?
  Crack.

Oh babe, I didn't want whipped cream.
  Oh well let me fix it for you, babe.
    And this isn't soy.
      Sucks to be you.I'll go get your coffee.
Do you know how lucky you are to have a husband?

My mom thinks I should test his love by saying I'm knocked up.  If he doesn't propose on the spot, I just demand that he gives me six hundred dollars for the abortion, dump him, and ease my sadness with a brand new pair of Jimmy Chus.  That's how she got her rad shoe collection in college.

Thanks for the biscotti, Obi Brown.
  No problem, Luke.

I really want to rent this place but once I told the landlord about my DUI and how I sometimes pass out when I poo he said I need someone to co-sign the lease, what's with that?

He was a beautiful black blur.

I'd love to put my ear on her butt and see if I could hear the ocean.
  Brian, you're doing that thing where you say your thoughts out loud.  It's a side effect of his injury.  (It wasn't, but we've been having some fun since we came up with that.)

I'm gonna have your baby so hard, baby!

Good morning, reasons why I drink.

Oh these glasses, they're not prescription but I figured I'd wear 'em so I can fit in with you medical geeks.

(Cool, a new black resident!  Oh, it's just Turk.)  Hi Turk!

Brian can't hold small objects.
  I had an ex-girlfriend that had the same problem.  No she didn't.  That's awkward.

Plus I'm a tent-dwelling poop-fainter who can't drive.
  I have a fiberglass skull.
It's always a competition with you.

Were you thinking about me?
  I always think about you when I'm in the box, you know that.

Living with a guy before marriage makes me feel too whorey.
  You can live in separate states, but if you're doing the nasty before you get married, your ass is gonna burn.

Lupus...does she live on the second floor?  Does she live upstairs from you?  I think you have seen her before.

You "cut and run", if you will.  That's right, it's not just a phrase used by political pundits who wear bowties.  It is also the number one reason why all of you should pray to god, or in your case Rex, Moko the Samoan Bird King, that you never have to be treated by these flesh hungry butchers.  Jenny, take his glasses as a trophy.

You wait, eventually you'll crave his approval and be just like me.
  (And still, as I thought about Dr. Cox I knew JD was right.)
See?

Everything's awesome we're great everything's great.
  What do you mean we're great?  We haven't had box sex in days.

I don't see what's insane about not wanting spiders to lay eggs in my cornflakes, that's how Carla's mom died.
  No it wasn't.
You're supposed to be my best friend!

Oh my God, how hard is it for you to use a frickin coaster you frickin fricky frick?!

Here's the deal Keith, my house my rules.
  I thought this was our place.
No Keith, this is my place.  You just rent a room.

Presenting the world's longest shush.... ShhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhI'm gonna go ahead and stop, I'm not committing the way I normally do.  I'm gonna go away, regroup, maybe seeya later.

(I knew right then that somehow I'd make Dr. Cox...)
  Seriously dude stop doing that.  That's my thing.

Every godawful year Enid's wheelchair rusts in the salt water, Harrison spends my money getting his hair braided by trannies, and I fall asleep in the sun.  Don't page me.

Damned trannies got me in my sleep.

To mutton chops!  Actually, these are fake.  I did this to make a point.  You have to think for yourself.  Don't be a sheep, follow the fold.  I want you to repeat after me:  I think for myself.
  I think for myself!
You can't tell me what to say.
  You can't tell me what to say!
I won't say this.
  I won't say this!
Lalalalalalala.
  lalalalalalala.
Unbelievable.
  Unbelievable.

So this patient has fever of 103, renal failure and platelets of 25,000.  What is the diagnosis and management?
  *Bam*, put em down!  It's obvious the patient is septic.  I'd treat him with an activated protein C.  Boyakasha!
Dr. Turk that's just an excellent diagnosis.  However, with his low platelet count treatment with activated protein C would cause what, class?
    Brain hemorrhage.
And what would that cause?
      His death!  Sorry, I got so excited. People were yelling things out.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend who I impregnated on the first date.  Don't worry, she miscarried.  Ok.  And I haven't even begun to think about asking anyone else out mostly because I'm concerned the stress lovemaking would put on my body would cause me to pass out, much like I do when I defecate.

Any last shots you want to take at me?
  You have diabetes and you can't eat cupcakes.

 

More Scrubs Quotes

Antonella sticks around. Let's just get that out of the way. And it looks like Kellie Pickler's spending her money on more than new shoes.

Read more...

A clip show? A CLIP SHOW? Not only that ... a BAD clip show! Ok, fine, JD started the whole thing out with a joke about crappy sitcoms resorting to clip shows when they have no new ideas. But still, let's look at just how much effort they put into this one:

• A fantasize sequence of JD actually drinking milk from Turk who has a cow's udder. Why didn't you just go the whole way and have him suck it from the tap? I bet the writers are just kicking themselves that nobody thought to make a "Have you got any sausage for me" joke.
• Dr. Cox is frickin *bald*, and no one says anything. Last episode it was Carla with a cane for no reason, and now it's Dr. Cox bald for no reason. They're just not even trying for consistency anymore. Sad.
• JD is the one fantasizing about all his memorable moments, and yet he's not in a bunch of them. There's a clip about Brendan Fraser's ghost, for god's sake.
• Update I originally thought that the shower shorts clips were out of order, but I've been told otherwise. Still, horrible show.

At least it gives me a break this week to catch up on other episodes.

Could it be possible that Antonella is actually happy about all her naked picture fame?  She's certainly gained some confidence this week.  But talk about a lesson in how not to argue with the judges.  "You were wrong about Jennifer Hudson," she tells Simon, trying to cash in on all the latest references to the Oscar winner.  "No," says Simon, "We put Jennifer Hudson on the show.  America voted her off."

Ouch.  I wonder if Chris Sligh put her up to that one?