Update: Hooray, I'm famous - BoingBoing.net used my link :). Well, acknowledged that I pointed out the video link. Close enough :).

When I first heard about this in passing I didn't think much of it. I didn't realize that there is video. This is the incident you may have heard of where a small boy climbed under the ropes in a Kansas train station and danced all over a Buddhist sand mandala that they had been working on for days. The video shows the entire event, and I have to admit that I did look at the progress bar to see when it would mercifully be over.

Perhaps the most annoying part is not the child - I mean, come on, he's maybe 2 years old? -- it's the mother. Not only does she leave the child completely out of her site for close to 2 minutes (in a train station?!), but when she finally comes to collect him, she never even stops to look at the damage he's caused, and makes no effort to make amends or even to acknowledge fault. She just walks away. Not sure whether to call her a bad mother or just a bad person in general.

Wherever you are, lady, I hope you get reincarnated as a centipede. And I stole that joke from NPR's Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me.

The best part of the story, of course, is the quote from the monks who simply said, "No problem" and started over.

I wouldn't even have tried this show if not for the fact that nothing else was on. This is the one that's about a bunch of amateur film makers (wasn't there something called Project Greenlight or something that was the exact same thing)?

Let me save you the trouble. It is an exact, and I'm talking word for word, clone of American Idol. Right down to the host saying things like "Random guy, your film was Replicate Me. The judges said this good thing, that, and the other thing. But did America agree? America voted, and....awkward pause....way too long pause.....they replicated what the judges said, you are safe. We'll see you next week."

I'm not joking. That is a transcription. The horribly long pauses for no reason, the recap of what the judges said, the punny reference to something personalized about each contestant. At one point she even did the "You'll find out....after the break" thing.

With something like 15 contestants to go through, it was just too painful to handle. I gave up.

I just read a movie about the life of Buddha will be coming out in 2008. Apparently the Dalai Lama is some sort of adviser to the project which does not have any mention of Keanu Reeves or Richard Gere.

The movie will be based on the book Old Path White Clouds by Thich Nhat Hanh. Check out the reviews -- 36 reviews, all but 2 of them 5 stars (even the other 2 are 3 and 4 stars, respectively). I've not yet read the book, but it seems that people like it.

In the "the universe has a sense of humor" department, I notice that the guy who wrote the screen play for this movie is David S. Ward. IMDB tells me that the last movie this guy wrote was called "Lucifer". Nice.

Only one picture, but a good story about what goes into making the Buddhist "mandala" (sand art), including details about the sorts of tools used, the symbolism and colors, and what happens when a child accidentally walks across one.

Google actually has some breathtaking pictures of sand paintings.

Last night there was an "ice cream social" event for preschool. I took the kids, Kerry stayed home.

At one point when they were getting a little too wound up, this came out of my mouth:

"Listen, I didn't take you out here just to have you scream. I took you here, well, to have ice cream."

Get it? you scream? ice cream? Ah, ferget it.

I'm sure I'll never get to meet the Dalai Lama, but I continue to be fascinated by stories of people who have. Rick Ray made a movie about the experience ("10 Questions With The Dalai Lama") which looks like it could be neat. Through a bizarre set of serendipitous occurrences he was granted an audience with His Holiness. He was given 90 days and told to prepare 10 questions, and that he would have at most 1 hour with him. The Dalai Lama, apparently, has a habit of cutting interviews short if he feels that the questions are "insincere." (Comments like that bother me, because they make him sound like he's not a nice guy.) Luckily for Rick the interview goes quite well, over an hour as a matter of fact. His description of how the room changes with the Dalai Lama enters it is quite enjoyable. You can see, from his explanation, that someone would indeed have to be pretty insincere to deserve a snubbing from the man.

Ray's movie is a tiny little independent thing so I don't expect it to come from the local cinema anytime soon. I'll have to keep an eye out for it on DVD.

Update: Thanks very much the anonymous commenter who provided the URL of the movie, which contains a trailer. Looks interesting, although I fear that the questions are the same questions that are always asked ("Does tolerance work? Will there be peace in the Middle East?") As I read more news stories coming out of Australia that are pro-China, I am wondering about some of the historical comments. Was there really torture and slavery used in Tibet until China showed up? Does the Dalai Lama get a paycheck from our CIA to fund attacks on China? On the one hand I would like to laugh those things off, but it would be nice to get answers to the questions from both sides.

Here we go! Transcribed as best I can, risking life and limb to hit the pause and rewind button Tivo (under threat of my wife killing me, you see...), here are the lyrics to the songwriting contest winner, This Is My Now by Scott Krippayne and Jeff Peabody! If I've made any mistakes please let me know! I'm pretty sure that Blake and Jordin sang different words in some transition parts so I'm not really sure what the "right" version is. Enjoy!

There was a time I packed my dreams away.
Living in a shell, hiding from myself.

There was a time when I was so afraid.
I thought I'd reached the end,
But baby that was then
I am made of more than my yesterdays.

This is my now, and I am breathing the moment.
As I look around I can't believe the love I see.
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then, this is my now.

I had to decide, was i going to play it safe? 
Or that somewhere deep inside, 
I'm going to turn the tide and find the strength 
To take that step of faith. (*)

This is my now, and I am breathing the moment.
As I look around I can't believe the love I see.
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts
That was then, this is my now. (*)

And I have the courage like never before, yeah.
I've settled for less now I'm ready for more,
Ready for more.

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment.
As I look around I can't believe the love I see.
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts.
That was then, this is my now.

I'm breathing in the moment
I look around I can't believe the love I see.
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts.
That was then, this is my now.
This is my now.

(*) Although these verses were not sung on television during the finale, they are reportedly in the "original" version that won the contest.

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I almost didn't make it through this video, which shows a herd of buffalo stumbling onto a bunch of lions, all while crocodiles await in the river next to them.

When the buffalo spy the lions, they take off running. But nature takes its course, the lions separate a weak young one from the pack, and the inevitable occurs....or does it? Here I turned the video off, because I'm not really into watching animals suffer, even if it is the sort of thing that happens in nature all the time. Then I realized that the video still had 5 minutes to go, so I turned it back on.

Turn it back on. The buffalo regroup and come back to save their own. Then battle is really on, and the lions don't fair nearly as well when they don't get to simply prey on the weak one. It was actually pretty uplifting to see a nature video that makes you realize that sometimes nature is more complex than just a simple foodchain.

"Daddy, who do we pray to?"

"We pray to God, sweetie."

"Oh. How does he wear his hair?"

That's what I get for singing her to sleep with the lyrics to HAIR:

My hair like Jesus wore it, hallelujah I adore it!

The other night I'm watching Iron Chef America, and the battle is between an American chef specializing in "American Western" cooking. The man is so cowboy that his entire staff all wore Stetson hats to the kitchen. For his battle he chooses chef Morimoto, the alumni of the original Iron Chef and basically the best of them all. The "tale of the tape" for the man showed something like a 72-12 record.

And what's the secret ingredient? Chili peppers.

Aww come on! That's hardly fair. During the final tasting, chef Morimoto even said, "I've never used them before, I really don't know anything about the different kinds. So I basically tasted them all and then based on the flavor, here's what I made." Without knowing the names he just held up different peppers, saying "In this dish, I used this one." There was a great shot of him during the battle biting into the peppers one after another, and then he gets to the jalapeno and nearly choked on it. For the rest of the battle you could see him sweating.

He did indeed lose the battle, but only by a point. Not bad for someone who was cooking with an ingredient he'd never used before. Still, though, I think that had to be one of the more lopsided battles I've ever seen.

Too good to pass up is this story about the police breaking into someone's house because they saw the silhouette of an armed figure in the window. The problem was that the silhouette was a lifesized cutout of videogame heroine Lara Croft that the homeowner, a videogame store employee, had taken home to sell on ebay.

The figure remains "impounded as evidence". The homeowner , who is apparently waiting to find out if he'll be charged with anything (ummm...like what?) is trying to decide whether to sue for wrongful arrest. Personally I think it's silly but I'm not really sure that he has to go running for the lawyers. The story does NOT take place in the United States, so he may not overreact.

CBS is planning a kids' version of Survivor, dubbed "a reality take on Lord of the Flies."

In the show, kids 8-15 will inhabit a ghost town (rather than an island) with no parental supervision. They will be expected to choose leaders, and make decisions about things they need (food, shelter) versus things they want (Nintendo). There will be no mandatory eliminations, and each week someone will be chosen for a reward.

It's the Lord of the Flies reference that bothers me. Has no one read this book? It does not turn out well for the children. Though I suppose if the producers are smart they'll get in a reference to somebody sharpening a stick at both ends. That'll have em glued to the seats.

Update: This post is old. Check out More on Kid Nation!

Really, can there be any shockers when there's only 3 people left? I'd like to say I predicted this, but I can't find any links to back it up. Melinda is eliminated this week, putting Blake and Jordin in the finals. I'm not really all that surprised. Melinda is a classic case of peaking early and becoming such a favorite that people just get bored with her consistency. Look at Blake over the last few weeks, and all the crazy risks he's been taking to bring the beatboxing back into his performances. Does that make him a better singer than Melinda? No, not even close. But it makes people interested in him. He got their attention. The same with Jordin. Every season there is a 17yr old with a stellar voice. None of them make it this far. She was positioned by the producers as the threat to Melinda, and that worked for her.

I expect Jordin to win the whole thing. I'm not really into it this year, there's no Taylor or Daughtry that is singing the kind of music I'd actually listen to.

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What to serve the Dalai Lama? Veal, apparently.

I wish this story had gone into more detail about how and why the Dalai Lama is cool with being a meat eater. I'm not saying that I'm a vegetarian by any stretch, but neither am I the spiritual and political leader of Buddhism, where most hardcore practitioners believe in the sanctity of all life, not just human life. A comment from him on why he's ok with it would have been fascinating.

The story is amusing in many ways, though, as the restaurant owner and workers talk about how the preparations and protocol for the visit were worse than Al Gore. "Do not turn your back on him, do not touch him, and do not speak to him unless he speaks to you," the chef was told. So when he bumped into the Lama coming up the stairs, what was he to do? "I did this little kind of moonwalk backward all the way up, and smiled," said the chef.

I love that the holy man has a great sense of humor. When asked to sign his book, "How to See Yourself As You Really Are" he apparently giggled and said, "There's no 'self' in Buddhism, and this is my book!" I'm sure he gets lots of mileage out of that joke :).

He's also a big eater, they say, polishing off every plate that was put in front of him. His vows do not permit him to eat after 1pm (didn't know that) so I could see where he'd have to pack on the calories for the rest of the day. I'm still curious about the veal thing, though. I suppose it's one thing to just say that as a humble monk he'll eat whatever is put in front of him out of graciousness to his hosts, but if he's got people preparing the way for him before he ever arrives, surely they could have said "No meat" and chose not to.

Loved this episode.  Loved loved loved it.  Kim's back!  And believe it or not they actually did it in a good way, you're still allowed to hate her and think she's a bitch and yet still manage to want JD to be happy.  Some of the most complex drama they've ever done, actually.  Turk as the best friend steps up, awesome.  The only thing I didn't like was Dr. Cox trying to break up Elliot's engagement.  Sure he fixed it and played the "I just like to mess with your head" card, but it still came across as pretty mean.

One of the best parts, by the way, came in the podcast where the writer of this episode kept saying things like "That's pretty F'd up what Kim did" and "And she gets left alone....good, she deserves it."  Sounds like somebody took the whole miscarriage storyline a little personally!

You already picked the church?
  Yeah, I've reserved it for the third week in July every year since I was 13.  When I tell Father O'Neill that I actually need it this time he is going to crap a communion cracker.

Women tend to hear one thing when men offer them wedding advice.  So when Keith said this:
  Elliott, two montns isn't enough time to plan a wedding.
Elliott heard this:
  Go ahead, do whatever you want, regardless of what I say.

You've made bigger mistakes.
  "For tickets to see Basic Instinct II, press the # key..."
    That one still stings!
Yeah, she didn't even show her vajayjay.
    It's on the DVD extras.  It's labelled "vagina".

Oh, Bob, would you hit that?
  What are you stoned?  I wouldn't hit that with Stottlemeyer's dong.

Out of my way boys, me and my fellow chiefs of medicine gonna tear this bitch up!
  One of those dudes is gonna die this weekend.

And here's a photo of my wedding dress, which I am totally going to fit into thanks to that awesome parasite I got from eating sushi.

Hey everyone?  I've been looking for a new roleplaying game ever since my Lord of the Rings club booted me for using an actual warhammer.  So would anybody mind if I pretended to be the chief of medicine while Kelso's out of town?

Fantastic.  Let's make cancer feel foolish!

Say I was too nervous to hit on that girl over there.  What advice would you give me?
  Bust a move!
    All right, all right, what if a great song comes on, but I'm too shy to get down.  What should I do?
  Bust a move!
You're awesome man.  What are you drinking, we'll buy you one.
  Bust a move.

Look, just because I get to spend the weekend drinking beer with the guys and paying the escorts extra so they'll do the weird stuff doesn't mean you two get to screw around.

Dr. Toilet I'm sorry about the other day, I had just had my morning coffee and a bran muffin, it was kind of an emergency situation.  I know you were napping, but it was an accident.
  An accident?  Dr. Dorian there are 48 other toilets in this hospital, I'm the only one that's a doctor.  And yet you came into my office and you sat on me.  Didn't you hear me screaming to get off?
Roger in my defense those sounds were very muffled!  I thought they were coming from me!

I'm notifying all my old boyfriends that I am officially off the market.
  I'm sure the pulse setting on your showerhead will be devastated.

Over the past six years you've become a huge part of my life, so I would love you to come.  Plus if you don't then table 14 will be boy girl boy girl girl, and that's insanity.

Listen hear, young Dr. Gilchrist.
  Uhh, that's not my name.
Gilchrist!  Please. She's not upset with you because you asked her to help, she's upset because you insinuated her job was less important.

And you, Nurse Iponima.

I will check to see if the quarterly fiscals can accomodate the financial comps.  I hope so.

Blondie, attached as I have become to my patient, his death due to my inability to see a clear picture of his heart would still be a preferable alternative to hearing you recite your self-written vows:  My dearest Keith, my heart was like a vault but you picked the lock like an apple thief who picks the first golden delicious of the fall harvest.
  Ok first of all stop reading my wedding binder.

Soulmate?  Try 'last resort'.  Let's just be honest for two seconds here. You basically lived in this dump for the last six years and there weren't that many guys to choose from once you eliminate the women and the gays, the too old, the too poor, the ones who just barely beat the rap for murdering their first wife, and of course, Ted.  Well then, what's left?

Why would you tell me you miscarried our child when you clearly didn't?

Anyone else have a question?  Yes, you in the back?
  Bust a move!
Really more of a statement than a question, but thank you.

When I got engaged all I could think was, why am I with this angry cynical idiot?  Then I fought through it and realized he was the love of my life. Unfortunately we had a little argument so we broke up, but then I met Perry maybe a month later, we have two beautiful children and the point is, sometimes settling works.

That is how I got my name.
  You don't look Asian.

The hospital needs you.  I need you.  Doesn't that mean anything?
  Damn right it does.  Now let's go find a cure for polio.

I mean, what could I possibly say?
  I don't know, how about JD I think there might be something living in my uterus?

You know what?  No more excuses.  I did a horrible thing, and I don't expect you to forgive me.
  Ok, because I'm not going to.

Then comes the "Oh my god I can't believe I'm going to have sex with the same person for the rest of my life" stage. And that's when you head to the nearest frat house, ditch your undies and then the next morning do the walk of shame to your beemer.

Now don't you screw this up Keith.  Because if this goes wrong, then the wedding goes wrong, and then I'll get depressed, and fat, and you cheat on me and I swear to god I will CHOP IT OFF!

I'm the chief of medicine, Bob Kelso, who the hell is this?
  I'm you!  I'm talking to you from a future phone! By the way sell all your gasoline stocks, everything now runs on potatoes!

I'm sorry sir, we don't have appletinis.  I could make you a peachtini.
  That's a little foofy for my taste.

Nono, that was bigger than a bomb.  More like an asteroid about to hit the planet.  You know, people running in the streets screaming, "Oh my god, it's coming right at us!" Dudes turning to hot chicks and they're all like, "Look, we all about to die, so can I hit that?" and then girl's like "Oh hell to the no!" but then she realizes, "Oh my god, I'm about to die, so you know what you can hit this, but no kissing."
  That's exactly what it's like!

Part of me wants to talk to her, part of me wants to
  Bust a move?
You have a problem sir!  Seek help!

You know what you're gonna do?  You're gonna sit here and wait for Kim, and then you're gonna talk to her because you're a good person. No matter what mistakes she's made she's still having your kid, and you're not walking away from that.

Look, I love it that after six years I can still mess with your head.  It is both a testament to my commitment and a glaring statement about your mental fragility.  But still, as much as it pains me to say it, there's nothing I did or said that had any real impact on your relationship with the future Mr. Barbie.
  But I got all crazy and went off on him.
Of course you did, you're a woman. Sure, ya do come with a little extra crazy but what the heck, that's what makes you you.

Lay off the stick or I will wait til you're asleep and then I will cheesegrate your nerps.
  Because sometimes I like to do nice things without being coerced.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go grab a quick shower to rinse this moment off of me.

Turk was giving me the silent treatment because I had taken Old MC's advice over his.  I had busted a move, and left.  And yeah, I still have doubts about my decision. I guess I'm just hoping that the doubts will fade away.  Who am I kidding, eventually we all have to face the music.   For now I was just glad to get back home where life wasn't so complicated.
  JD, do you think I'm making a mistake by marrying Keith?
    JD, how could you just leave me waiting there?
Yup, life is so much simpler here.

Big semi-final week, with scores of 60-60-59-58. I bet Apollo feels pretty dumb saying that he's aiming to be the first person to score 60, and not only doesn't he do it, but two other people do it in the same night.

Here's some trivia. This weekend, My Big Fat Greek Wedding was on tv. Know who plays cousin Angelo in that movie? Joey Fatone. He even gets to dance a bit.

This week Joey is the first to be safe, and then Laila, so it's down to Apollo and Ian. The obvious guess is Ian. He made a valiant comeback, but he's not as strong a performer as the others.

You know, when the musical guest (Julio Inglesias) just sings and there's no dancing, I think we're pushing it a bit. I think that the combination of a musical guest with a dancing demonstration is absolutely brilliant, combining the best of several worlds into something that is completely unique on television today. But then they go and fall into a pattern -- sing an old song that everybody knows (Let Me Be Your Hero), and then sing something to promote your new album. Which would be fine, except why wasn't anybody dancing during the second number? Lame.

The flamenco (am I spelling that right?) demonstration looked....weird. I swear it looked like a bunch of guys in an ethnic neighborhood sitting around on the front steps banging on the side of the house while a guy in his pimpsuit pretended to be Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance. I guess it just wasn't for me.

And after 25 minutes of filler and 30 seconds of payoff, Ian goes home as it should be. Everybody's happy. He got his 10s.

Wow.

I suppose that's not a complete surprise, the man is 71 and has done nothing but travel around the world constantly for nearly 50 years. There are some important things to note, however, for the confused:

The Dalai Lama is both the religious leader of Buddhism as well as the political leader of Tibet. He is retiring from the latter. He cannot retire from the former, as the position is to believed to be one of reincarnation. You can't stop being the Dalai Lama, in that sense. You can, however, hand over the political reigns of the Tibetan cause.

If anybody's ever wondered about the state of Tibet inside of China, read the article. The successor to the Dalai Lama is supposedly chosen by the #2 man, the Panchen Lama (similar to "vice president", I'd guess). So what do the Chinese do? They kidnapped the Panchen Lama (who disappeared over 10 years ago) and put their own man in his place. So when the time comes to appoint a new leader of Tibet, the Chinese have rigged the system so that they'll be able to decide who gets the position. China's always made it very clear that they don't do the whole freedom of religion thing. It's actually quite sad that in our lifetime we've already seen a Dalai Lama who spent nearly his entire life outside of the country he rules, and may soon see the appointment of a successor who has never been there to begin with. If the Chinese have their way, there will eventually be no more Tibet to go home to.

For those that listen to the Scrubs podcast, you may have caught this little tidbit drop from one of the writers of "My Conventional Wisdom":

"I think that as we slowly approach the end of the show, though we probably have a year left...."

Make of that what you will. Sounds to me like we're good for one more season, even if it is on ABC.

Just something for 7am on a Monday morning:

"I love you, Mommy."
    "I love you too, sweetheart."
"I can't dance."

She's not quite 3 yet. How old are they before they learn what "non sequitur" means?

Every day I get a couple of stragglers in my referrer logs where the URL is somebody's resume. I'm not quite sure what sort of moron you have to be to think that spamming your resume is going to get you jobs, but it's never really bothered me, I just blacklist them all. Today, all of a sudden, there are dozens of them. Not dozens of different ones, but dozens of hits from the same URLs over and over again. Not really sure what's up with that. All the same, they're all going in the blacklist. What I should really do is follow the link, get the email address and then put them personally in my blacklist just so that I'm sure never to hire them.

Elizabeth gets up with the sunrise. Katherine needs a small explosive set off in her room. We try to let her wake up on her own, but on a school day there comes a point of no return where I have to go wake her up if she's going to make it out the door. So this morning I come in to her room, turn the lights on, open the shades and say, "Wake up, sweetie. School today."

Zombie-like, she sits up and begins rubbing her eyes. "Daddy?" she says in a very quiet, sleepy voice. "Do you think maybe when you come in to wake me up you could just turn on the light a little bit, at first?"

That's one of those moments where you future flashes before your eyes, and I can picture her at about 13 pulling the pillow over her head and mumbling "5 more minutes!!"

Ok, well, there's certainly room to be a little conflicted on this story about a deathrow inmate's desire that his last meal be given to the homeless. He wanted a vegetarian pizza delivered to "any homeless person nearby." The problem is that the prison said they wouldn't honor the request because they "don't donate to charity."

Well that apparently pissed off more people than just me, because $1200 worth of pizza was delivered to local homeless shelters by members of the community. Good for them. I particularly like the quote from one of the workers at the shelter who said that his reaction was, quote, "Wow, Jesus!"

At the top I said "much to be conflicted about" because let's face it, the guy (who has now been executed) did kill a cop. So it's not like he's a nice, upstanding member of society. And if, for his last meal, he'd said "Screw you, go give it to the homeless for all I care" then I would see the prison's position. But that's apparently not how it happened. So just because this guy is a bad guy, why punish him by depriving the homeless of food?

This news story actually worked out for the best, since the prison's rules require that a last meal be worth at most $20. Thus far it looks like close to 100x that much has been donated.

I think I may have disliked BeeGees week more than I hated country week. The songs really just do nothing for me, and it didn't help that everybody butchered them. The most interesting scene of the night was trying to figure out what sort of work Barry Gibb had had done to make him sound like Sean Connery.

Anyway, it's down to 3 as Lakisha is sent home. She doesn't seem too upset about it. As Simon says, somebody has to go. At this point they're all very good singers.

As always, if you're looking for the lyrics to the song they play at the end, it's "Home" by Chris Daughtry and the lyrics are available right here. Enjoy.

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BoingBoing has this very linkable story about a man with no arms and only one leg escaping the police. If I cared about Digg.com I would say "dugg for" the following things:

• Deliberate use of "out run" in a story about a one-legged man.
• His name is "Wiley". Gotta be a headline in there someplace, like "Wily Wiley Escapes Police" or something.
• Quote from his "longtime acquaintance" who calls him "The worst person I've ever met." Nice friend.
• He's wanted for "kicking a state trooper and attacking his wife headfirst." Quick! Somebody quote the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail! But seriously, folks, after the one-legged man had kicked the state trooper wouldn't he, you know, have fallen down? How much momentum could he really get behind the kick? And just how fast was he able to get back up that the troopers didn't just pig pile on top of him?

Be sure to check out the comments on the original post, too. Not just for the number of times somebody says, "What, this guy again???" (apparently he is a regular feature?), but for the absolutely atrocious spelling and grammar used.

Ok, somebody explain to me the logic of this decision. A Tennessee man scheduled for execution said that he did not want his final meal, and they should order a pizza and give it to a homeless person. It's unclear from the story whether he had a specific person in mind or was just saying it generically. The prison, however, won't do it. "The taxpayers don't give us permission to donate to charity," is the quote.

Lame. I always thought it had more to do with "last wish". He wants a pizza given to a homeless person. It's not like the prison itself is deciding to take his meal from him and give it to charity. It's what the guy wants. I don't understand the logic of that at all.

Great episode, just all around outstanding.  Some of the funniest lines of the season, from everybody.  The Friends joke was stupid, they'd been sitting on that one for years.  And I'm not really sure what's up with the ending.  Oh, and I'm sure Ken Jennings is a nice guy, but can we please not put him in a shower anymore?  He looks exactly like Rodney Dangerfield, and that man's dead. 

Update: Thanks to Rob Maschio, "The Todd" himself, for answering my question about what he'd said in response to Janitor's God is watching question.

Here come the fricks...
  Just get the motherfrickin ring on my motherfrickin finger!  Frick frick frick!

Ok Keith, sweetie, you know how I'm crazy, right?

Carla, you're in charge of the guest list.  Just make sure that all of my friends are there. Oh and Naomi that bitch from radiology. She teased me for six years about how she's gonna beat me down the aisle. Well she can suck it, her and her fat neck.

If you point out Fat Neck to me I'll keep asking her why she's single until she cries.

Sadly, it's only in the movies where the pretty girl ends up with the uggo.

You two have been on and off again more than Ross and Rachel from Friends.
  I am nothing like Ross.
    Of course not. You're Rachel.  She's Ross.

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all five.

Baby, will you do me a favor tonight that requires no effort on your part?
  Sure, what is it?
Will you have sex with me?

If you weren't emotionally ready, would you want to have sex?
  Baby I don't even understand the question!

 Darling, do you think that we're pigeonholing the children?
  Who cares, it's not like they're ours.

God is watching, how many times have you gotten laid this year?
  Bagel.  
Who'd have thought God is watching would work?

Guess it's true what they say.  First one to be in a threesome, last one to get married.
  Damn!  Sorry, she just said that she was in a threesome.
    Damn!
      Damn!
        Damn!
          Damn!

Yeah, now was it two girls and a guy, or a devil's threesome?
  All girl.
    DAMN!  Sorry.

Great Aunt Judy's arm fat.  Great Aunt Judy's arm fat.

Now are you gonna create a wonderful memory and then secretly call me from the bathroom right after, or what?

Mrs Sheldon, can I just say I hope I look as good as you when I'm eighty.
  I'm sixty eight.
Did they not have sunscreen where you grew up?

So I convinced the bartender to give us all the booze at your party for half price.  Little hitch, you're gonna have to show some boob.  Apparently mine did not get us all the way there.  He has a soft touch, though.

But, home is where your hat is.  That's what my dad used to always say.  He would also say that America was a planet.  He was in a boating accident and suffered some brain damage.
  Brain damage is, uh, rarely good.

Greetings, strange traveler.  Wilst thou mate with me tonight?
  All right.  Not really sure how I'd go about doing that, I mean, where would I put my...
    Come on dog, this is a desperate mermaid, ya got to hit that!
  Show me where, GoaTurk, and I'd be happy to.  Where's the front door?
Yeah, that's a gill.
    Yeah it is.
  Hey GoaTurk, that's my mermaid!
    My baaaaaaaad.

Well schnookums, I'm first going to check out the market, then play a few holes of golf, and then pretend to care about underprivileged people.  You know, the usual.

I'm so hard up I'm fantasizing about having sex with my own wife!  It ain't right!

The damned internet is down, where am I supposed to go for sexual gratification?  My invalid wife?

(Next stop, BoobTown.  Population two.)
  Whoa, you can't go to BoobTown!  That, my friend, is a gated community.

Old people sex is disgusting.
  Really?  Because from time to time I like to throw back a few "blue bombers" and head out on the town.

I will have you all know that just this morning I hoisted Enid onto the safety rail in our kitchen and we went at it like drunk monkeys.  That's right!  Now just soak in that image for awhile.

We look nothing alike!  What are you, Egyptian? I don't want to hear it.

You're gonna need to tell them to slip on a love glove if they're gonna all freaky and doink. But don't use those words, they won't know what you're talking about.

Can you control yourself?
  Of course I can.
    God is watching.
  I can't.
    Who is this God everyone fears?

He doesn't even have any laughter in his eyes, like, at all!

As I looked at all the relationships around me - some that had gone on forever, some that were re-ignited, and some that had just begun - I realized something: it should have been me.

More Scrubs Quotes

 

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